Oh how I wanted a father, a dad, a traditional family.

I grew up in tough streets of Detroit to a single mom. She did the best she could with what she had, what she was given. Was she perfect? Absolutely not. Did she make mistakes? Yes, lots, some big and small. But I hold no grudge against her. Like I said she did the best she could with what she had. She worked and tried and tried again. Always trying to improve our life. Even when things got there worst, she stood tall, drew on her faith and kept going. But she wasn't a father, a dad. 

Every time there was a new boyfriend I would pray that this one would be nice, would love us all and be a dad. It never worked out that way. Some were nice, others not. Some tried, some didn't. I still always longed for a traditional family, a mom and a dad and kids. 

I have worked hard to give that to my kids. My husband is a great dad to his kids. He is a blessing to our family. Steve and I have worked hard to have a happy marriage. It is a choice, every day. It can be challenging. Especially for me, who comes from a home that didn't model a strong marriage. I had to learn and grow into it. I prayed a lot for strength. But I wanted my kids to have a strong traditional family. 

We still work on our marriage, everyday. Some days are easy and joyful. Some days we have to work at it. We have to pick our battles. Some days it takes a dying to my selfish needs. 

Other days it takes having an open conversation with my husband about my needs and desires. Other days I have to listen to what he needs and desires. We both work at making the other one happy. In giving we receive, in dying to oneself we find happiness. We take our vows very seriously. We have put God in the midst of our marriage. We know we can't do it alone. 

I do see young people struggling with the idea of marriage and giving 100% to someone else. Our society has taught them to be selfish. To get their own needs and desires met at the expense of others. Our society no longer values obedience, discipline, unselfishness. We say we don't need anyone but ourselves. None of these are true. We need each other, we need God.

There is true love in complete unselfishness for those you love. Marriage is tough, marriage is a choice everyday. 

Numerous studies have shown that kids that grow up in a traditional home with a mom and a dad do better, are more successful. Girls who grow up with a father have better self esteem. For me it was important for my kids to have a mom and a dad, a traditional family. For Steve and I to be happy and to reflect what a marriage can look like. Where we perfect? Absolutely not. Did we make mistakes? Yes, some big and some small. We did the best with what we had and what we were given. We are still learning and growing. Drawing on our faith and standing tall. 

Cherished Relationships

Ok, I think most of you know I was sick, really sick for a few weeks. (Still am working on diagnosis, treatment and recovery) But I want to talk about something a little different. 

While being down for 3 or so weeks, I feel like I missed a lot. Life keeps on moving whether you are laying in bed or participating. Mandy moved to Portland, Alex finished school, Trip kept growing like crazy etc....

I was sitting at church, after missing a few mass time, thinking about this. Our lives are about relationships. Relationships with our husbands, wives, children, family and friends. If we value those relationships then we spend time in them. Not so much out of a sense of obligation or duty but out of a sense of desire. 

I desire a relationship with Steve. I want to spend time with him having fun and enjoying life. If I didn't this wouldn't be a very good relationship. But it doesn't mean that sometimes I don't need the guilt of obligation to remind me of this. 

When I begrudgingly, as I sometimes do, put down the iPad, put away the cell phone, or turn off the tv to focus on a relationship, I and the relationship are better for it. The sense of guilt or obligation is sometimes the kick in the butt I need to remind me of what's important. 

Sometimes when something is right in front of you and is good, you take it for granted. You forget that it can slip away so easily while you are distracted with the noise of the world. The iPads, cell phones,  and media can easily pull our attention away from those right in front of us. 

My relationship with God(Jesus) is the same way. I missed mass, I was sick. No guilt or obligation there, God knows. Believe me I turned to Him and spoke with Him and yes questioned Him, when I was down and out. But I missed that quiet, meditative, just spending time with Him. Sitting in mass with others there to worship, honor, praise and be feed is a wonderful moment in my life. It is a relationship I value. It is a relationship I will maintain. 

Now to figure out how to get to Portland to get some quality time with Mandy. To enjoy some quality time with Chris before he goes off on his next adventure. To spend time with Alex before moving into the dorm. To watch Danny and Casie grow in love and family. To see Trip bloom right before my eyes. These are the important things. These are the cherished.

Much love to all!!!! Happy Memorial Day!!!!!

cluster Migraine!!!

Cluster f' ing Migraine, that is the diagnosis. (In all fairness, I added the f' ing) It is a diagnosis of elimination. 2 ER visits, 1 dr visit, ct scan, mri, lumbar puncture, and blood work showed nothing. So it is more than likely a cluster migraine. Cluster migraines almost always happen to males, late 20's, heavy drinkers and smokers. None of which is me. But, lucky me, I get to be the rare instance!!!

Severe debilitating headaches. One of the worst feelings of my life!! I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I didn't get to go with Amanda to help her get settled in Portland, Ore. That was probably the most heartbreaking.

Silver linings, there are always silver linings. 

Great family and friends who offered help, well wishes and lots of prayers. Deacon Jim, who visited, bringing me the bread of life, the word of God and healing prayers. His wife, Ofelia, who brought yummy homemade enchiladas. And an amazing husband, who took awesome care of me. Truly a blessing. 

Special thanks to Jr, Reba, Amanda Faith, Aaron, Renee and Marylou, who worked it out so the two Amandas can have a great road trip to Portland. What great memories they will be creating!!

I am on the road to recovery, hoping and praying this was a one time occurrence. Hoping to never experience this again. Grateful for modern medicine, great family and friends. 

God Bless!

30 years of marital bliss

30 years ago I stood before a judge, 7 months pregnant naive and 18. I stood next to a boy younger and probably more naive. We vowed to love honor and respect each other till death do us part.

I had no idea what life, what God had in store for us. We have had our ups and downs. We have fallen apart and fallen in love many times. 

In Dec of 2000, 18 years to the day of our first kiss, we stood before God and our family to vow to love one another forever.

Today, I would do both all over again. God has blessed me with a best friend to spend my life with. God has blessed me with a strong man, who has been the very best husband and father possible. He makes me laugh, he makes me cry, he makes my life complete.

Our family is in transition right now. Many changes happening this year. As our kids move about creating their own lives, I look across the room and see those beautiful green eyes and that smiling face, I know that everything will be alright.

I am so grateful to have such a man stand before me, stand next to me and stand behind me. We love God, we love our children, we live our catholic faith and we love each other. 

Panic Attack

Panic attacks are real, terrifying and you will do anything possible to get out of the situation. I unfortunately have learned this the hard way. Sometime after I turned 40 I began to feel uncomfortable in tight quarters, especially when surrounded by crowds of people. 

I have fears, some of them irrational. I recognize them as irrational and can act accordingly. For example, I hate spiders and will do everything possible to avoid them or make others deal with them. But if in a situation that is just me and the spider, then I put on my big girl pants and deal with it. 

This is different. Like I said it started as just feeling uncomfortable. My first panic attack was camping with Steve. I felt uncomfortable getting into the tent but thought "ok, once we lay down and settle in I'll be fine". It didn't work out that way. Steve fell asleep as I laid there trying will all my might to relax. I don't remember if I drifted off or what. But I remember feeling like I couldn't breathe and I needed fresh air. I couldn't get out the tent fast enough. I was hyper ventilating and couldn't get back into to the tent. This was a small tent. We chose it because it was small and would be warmer. 

This was mild compared to my most recent one. Steve and I flew to New Orleans for vacation. I flew there by myself to meet him. I was a little nervous about the plane ride there because of the small spaces and people thing. But it worked out fine. The plane was small but not ridiculous and I managed fine. 

The plane ride back was a different story. It was significantly smaller than the first. Ridiculously small!!! We get on and get settled in our seats. I was really having a hard time. I turned on my music and did my breathing exercises. I was doing ok. I kept telling myself it is only a 2hr flight. I kept saying once we get in the air I can start counting down the time. Well that didn't happen, we weren't taking off!!!! The pilot comes on and explains that there is problem with the door seal. That we are waiting for a mechanic to come and take a look. No ETA given. Now, now I am beginning to freak out. I have no time frame. My mind starts going. I am in tears. Poor Steve looks lost and unsure as to what to do. There was nothing he could do. I started asking him to ask the flight attendant if I could get off the plane. The doors broken anyway. I was keeping it together as best I could. Believe me it was hard. I looked at the emergency door. I remembered the news story about some crazy person on an airplane trying to open the emergency hatch. I could understand why now!! It took all I could to keep it together. There is no way to put into words how I felt at that moment. There is no way to explain my mind. 

I have always considered myself to be a strong rational woman. I know this fear is irrational. I knew but it didn't seem to matter at the moment. I felt completely utterly totally trapped, I couldn't think straight. Nothing else mattered but getting off the plane. If you saw the movie "Final Destination", the first one, when the main character freaks out on the plane. That is how I felt. 

Finally they let us off the plane while we waited. They switched us to a different plane. I was able to walk around, eat something and buy a book to read. I steeled up all my courage and got on the new plane. This one was also small, it was the same plane type. But I was better prepared. I got on the plane at the last moment. No crowds of people around me. The stewardess let me wait in her area until most were seated. I sat at the window for awhile then in the aisle for awhile, that helped a lot. When it was time to disembark, I looked out the window while everyone stood, lined up and clogged up the tiny aisle way. 

I want you to understand that I know this is crazy. I know it is irrational. I know I should be able to say "stop it" to my head. The fear of having another panic attack is real also. It makes it hard to put yourself in situations when you think it might happen again. But I don't want to live that way. So reasonably with a strong mind, I will make myself go into uncomfortable situations. But not ridiculous ones though. Like being trapped on a tiny plane for no real reason and no real eta for how long. 

The really weird thing is my fear of heights is mostly gone. I look over the edge now and not freak out. 

Life has its ups and downs. We all have our struggles. Internally and externally. Why did this happen, I don't know. I may never know. I may see a therapist and they may be able to give me a clue to the workings of my mind. I am always cautious of those that will simply say "here let me give you some anxiety pills", not interested. I wouldn't mind someone to discuss it with and see what we can discover. But in the meantime I will work on my coping skills, I will not let it debilitate me. It is only if rare circumstances where it gets that bad. I have only had 3 attacks in 6 to 8 years. 

Please pray for those who struggle with mental illness. 

Peace of Christ be with you and yours, always. 

"Are there boundaries you put on God's mercy?"

"Are there boundaries you put on God's mercy?"

Such a simple question asked by a simple priest during adoration on Sunday.

 It was one of those profound moments that brought me to tears. I felt like God was asking me directly and personally. With tears I reflected and prayed. What boundaries to I put between me and God, what walls, what places do I not allow His love and mercy.

All this stuff surfaced, all these worries and issues.  I took it all and placed it on the alter.

I took all my worries for my children, each face present in my mind, and gave them to Christ. 

I took all the dark corners of regret for that which I did or didn't do and laid them at Christ's feet. I took all those that hurt me, even the man who took my sisters life and gave them over. 

I prayed for each, as I laid it there. I prayed for better for those who hurt than what they have given this world. I prayed that Christ would touch their hearts, break their hearts of stone. That this world be filled with love, not hate, not sin. Love, forgiveness, grace, peace, this is the world I want to live in. 

I opened myself completely, or as complete as I can, to Christ's love and mercy. I let it flow over me like a waterfall. I will allow myself to be loved completely. I will allow my Lord to wash my feet. That intimacy, that service of love, that which we are so afraid of. We convince ourselves that we don't need anyone else. "We got this." Sometimes for me it is just afraid of really letting someone in, to really depend on someone else requires a letting go of self and pride. 

To truly be connected to someone, whether it be our spouse, whether it be God, is to truly trust them and allow them in. "Are there any boundaries you put on God's mercy?", "Are there any boundaries you put on other's love?" 

Can we truly open up to others? Can we truly open up to God? 

Joy and Suffering

There can be great joy in times of suffering!
There can be great suffering in times of joy!

I grew up in a tough, I guess bad, environment. I had some real trauma, real struggles, real challenges. I also had some great time, some great blessings. I have lots of great memories. Lots of wonderful beautiful people in my life then and now. When I hear music that takes me back, most times it brings really good memories. I focus on those. I remember those.

Just because someone is in suffering, doesn't mean they can't also have joy and many blessings. We have to take the good with the bad. We will never eliminate the bad in this world. We won't, we can't. Until we die and are reunited with God in heaven, we have to deal with the bad. We can relish in it, dwell on it.
Or instead we can see the blessings, we can find joy. We can open ourselves up to the love around us. Great blessings can come from the most darkest of places.

On that same note just because someone has a seemingly perfect life. A life full of every desire. All the riches in the world. Two parents, money, a home, great careers etc.... People around them that love them and accept them. There can still be great suffering. We all know this, we sometimes see this.

We know that life can turn on a dime. Sometimes someone in the depths of great suffering experiences a miracle. Sometimes someone that seemingly has everything can suffer such trauma that their very existence is shaken to its depth.

Life is a gift, life is beautiful, life is ugly, life is complicated. None of us come through it unscathed, unchanged. We our time comes, when the end is near; will we remember the joy, the blessings or will we remember the bad? Will the joy and blessings outweigh the bad?
I believe it will!

We can't assume that someone who has nothing is suffering and has no joy. We can't assume that someone who has everything isn't suffering and has only joy.

We have to be the love and the blessing for each other. I want to be a good memory. I want to promote love. I know I fail sometimes, but I will try again and again, to bring more joy than suffering. To see more good than bad. To love more and more.