I actually am ok with who I am these days. Am I perfect? Absolutely not! I am so far from where God wants me to be.... Thank God his mercy is immeasurable and His love unconditional. I will continue to work to be a better version of me, the me, He envisions.

What I mean is my life is pretty good and so am I. There are struggles and challenges in this life. I have it worse than some and better than a lot of others. Depends on what you are measuring. I don't have much if any expendable cash, I don't have money for big fancy trips, my bathroom towels don't all match or have a "theme". Right now we are trying to get our finances together and have some big challenges there. Steve and I struggle to agree on things, we each have our own visions on what our life should look like. I have worries about my kids, as any mom would. 

Steve and I try to communicate and make things better daily. We are committed to our marriage and making it work. Our kids are good kids, they have jobs and lives and are figuring things out. 

I guess after living through some really tough stuff, most of it as child, you look at life a little differently. It's like living through a hurricane and being ok with rain storms sometimes. 

Regrets, anger, and dwelling on the past can derail your happiness in the future. Looking at your life choices and trying to improve is always a good thing. But dwelling on what happened and why, holding on to anger and resentment, saying "I should have" over and over can stop progress. 

I am a weirdly empathetic and optimistic person. I make no apologies for that. I try to put myself in others shoes. I believe most people are good and want things better. We just get all caught up in our own selfishness and pride. God has given us the grace of forgiveness and love. We need to use it more. There are amazing stories of forgiveness out there. People put through the worst atrocities imaginable and come through and still find forgiveness. Christ was hanging on the cross, bloody and beaten. He asked God to forgive those that had done this. Wow!!! 

Forgiveness is a grace from God, it is so powerful. Even forgiving ourselves can be tremendous. Forgiving others is probably the greatest challenge most of will face. Thank God he is there for us.

I have had more than one person get mad at me for my philosophies. People want me to be mad and take serious my past bad choices. Believe me I do. I just choose not beat myself up about it. I work on forgiveness and understanding. 

I guess it all boils down to LOVE. Do we love our neighbors, our antagonist, our enemies? Can we disagree and still love? Do we even try or do we let our pride, our desire to be right no matter what, steer us. 

Luke 9:23-24

"Then he said to everyone: “If anyone is willing to come after me: let him deny himself, and take up his cross every day, and follow me. For whoever will have saved his life, will lose it. Yet whoever will have lost his life for my sake, will save it."

Imagine for a moment we were able to choose our cross...

So..you are standing in a room with Christ. There are numerous crosses in here. They vary in size, weight and style. Some are very pretty, some very ugly, some heavy, some light etc....

Every cross in the room is for someone you know to carry, family member, child, friend or foe, from young to old.  But you can only choose your own, you can't control who else gets what cross. 

You ponder for a moment what to do. As you look around; do you chose the heaviest in the hopes of sparing someone you love? Do you chose a middle of the road one so you don't look totally selfish choosing a light one, but are worried you can't handle the heavier ones? Are you worried about what those you love will have to carry? Are you picking the big heavy ugly ones in your mind for your enemies? 

Finally.... you chose a different option. 

You turn to Christ, get on your knees and close your eyes. You use your faith and love of Christ to allow him to chose. He is the Almighty and knows what is best for you. As he puts the cross on your back you feel the weight. It feels too heavy. Can you stand with it? Is it to much? Again you have to draw on your faith in Christ and stand. It is heavy. It is not easy but you do it. Keeping your eyes on Him and drawing strength from Him. 

You begin to walk, you stumble but you get back up. You open your eyes and there are people all around struggling with their crosses. Some of them you know, some are complete strangers. You see someone stumble, for a moment you forget about your cross and help them up. As you do your cross gets lighter. You turn and see someone is helping you. And this goes on and on. Every time someone helps you, you see Christ in them and know that he is there. Every time you help someone you see Christ.

We all walk this life alone and together. We all have our crosses to bear. Some heavy, some light, some ugly, some beautiful. We don't see other people crosses, we know that we and those around us struggle and stumble. Do we reach out for help when needed? Do we reach out to help when needed? Do we forgive, even our worst enemies? Not only making our cross lighter but theirs as well. 

4 Challenges; Pray, Love, Move, Do

To Everyone reading this, I challenge you to.....

Pray - Pray without ceasing, pray always. God knows our need, desires, hurts and all. Take a minute and give it all to him. Let Him hear it. He can take it. Even if your angry at Him, He can take it. Then quietly sit in His presence. He will touch your heart. Never Cease Praying!!!

Love - Love always. Love deeply. The old cliche, What the world needs now is Love. But I challenge you to love your enemy, Love the person that is the hardest for you to love. Love the person who hurt you the most. This seems impossible but it is not. It is hard to let go, it is hard to release the anger. Anger begets more anger. Love begets more Love. Which do you choose? 

Move - Our bodies are a gift from God and we should care for them. We need to move and strengthen it daily. We are all at different places physically. Maybe you have a bum knee or a bad elbow or back issues. Maybe you just have difficulty getting motivated. Start today, move more than yesterday. I read a story about a woman who weighed over 450lbs. One day she finally decided she was done. Gave up sugar cold turkey. Walked from her porch to her neighbors, having to rest halfway. She did that walk everyday until she could make it to the end of the block then around the block. Now she has lost over 250lbs and is running 5ks. 

Do - Use your time, talent and treasures to make this world a better place. The disciples were on the mountain with Christ. They saw Him transfigured. He was standing with Elijah and Moses and a cloud enveloped them. A voice from heaven said "This is my son". Peter said to Jesus, "Lord it is good that we are here, let us build a tent for you, Moses and Elijah".(Mt 17:5) Jesus did not let them stay. He knew they had to come down off the mountain and get to work. We need to come down off the mountain or get up off our knees and get to work. 

The people of Oklahoma and this world need our prayers, our love, our strength and our actions. Pray(quiet and still), pray while doing, moving and loving. 

May the peace and comfort of Christ  be with the people of OK and all of us today. In Jesus' name I pray, AMEN!!

To my mother

Mom,

There are no words to express my deep love and respect for you. On this Mother's Day I hope you have a great day!

Your lot in life was not easy. Your have faced more challenges and struggles, you still face many. A poor inner city Mexican girl. You have faced racism, sexism, being raised without a mother, being shunned by your extended family and more. You had limited or no access to education. You were a young mother, a single mother and a struggling mother. I have seen you try to hold down jobs and try to get an education. Being a mother to ten children, we didn't make it easy. But You never gave up trying. First getting a degree in finance, then in your 60s getting a degree in social work. Now at 72 you still work full time and are busier than ever. Keeping your life full and your mind working. 

 I always say "don't live with regrets; at the time you did the best you could with what you had". You have been a prime example of that. You have done the best you could, given what you had. Hind sight is always 20/20. Have you always made the right decisions? Nope, none of us can say we have. Some decisions were good ones, some were not, some where completely wrong. But since you can't go back and change them, you have to learn from it and move forward. 

You have always stood tall and kept moving forward. 

You had 10 children and lost 2 of them too soon. You wanted and want so much for us, your kids to be happy, healthy and good people. You have fought fiercely to keep your family together and close. As a family we have faced many challenges and struggles, we still do. As much as you want to fix everything, you can't. We have to live your example of learning growing and fighting to keep family together. You can't do it for us, unfortunately. 

Things I have learned from you; 

#There is nothing, nothing that this world can throw at me that with my faith in God and my family,

 I can't get through.

#Keep trying to improve your life, never give up trying to make your life better.

#There is great joy and love in this world, no matter who, where you are or how much money you have.

#Fight fiercely for your family, keep family together.

This is but a brief list of all you have shown me.

Every time I sit and talk with you about your life I am amazed at your story. I wish you would write a novel for the world to know the strength of your human spirit.

I know that Christ has heard your prayers. I know from the depths of my heart that Our Lady has interceded on your behalf. She has taken your prayers to her son. They are preparing a special place for you with them. But not yet, you are not done here yet, we need you for a few more years. A lot more years!!

I love you Mom!!

Dedicated to Steve Silva

28 years of marriage!! Wow!! To the same man even...

First of all, I don't feel old enough to have been married that long.
Second of all, what a blessing these years have been.

"But by the grace of God"
this is the phrase that comes to mind when I think back over the last 28 years. How did we end up here? Happy and together.

I love Steve more deeply now then I did as a pregnant 18yr old. The only thing I truly knew back then was I loved this boy and wanted to make a life with him. I knew that living together was not an option, marriage was the only option. I was not going to be a single mom or live together endlessly. But as a young girl raised basically by a single mom I knew nothing of how to make a marriage last and work. This is where God stepped in and protected me from myself.

There have been many blessings and many trials. Life has a way of testing the bonds of marriage.
Our society doesn't value or support marriage. Society preaches and teaches selfishness, tending to our own desires. Getting what is mine, and if I don't then walk away.

Christianity preaches dying to one self for the benefit of the other. My salvation is dependent on Steve and his salvation is dependent on me. We are each others crosses, as well as each others Simon of Cyrene. Helping each other and loving each other.

Steve has baggage, I have baggage. I can either stay here and work through it, live on my own, or I can try to deal with a new persons baggage. Really the choice is mine. The choice also is Steve's as well. Luckily we are both committed to making this marriage work. Not just last but work. We want our marriage to be a source of joy in our lives.

Believe me there are times when the joy is hard to find. But we have been blessed in so many ways. 4 beautiful children, great family and friends. Luckily our Catholic faith is important to both of us. Many of the things we call "deal breakers" we have worked through. I know we will have more challenges and struggles. I know there will be times when we will feel beaten down. I pray that we will always find each other and be stronger for it in the end.

St Joseph, my patron saint, was quietly doing the work of God without fanfare or a big voice. Just doing what's needs to be done. I often look to him as an example of how to live my life, how to fully dedicate myself to my marriage and family. I also ask him to pray for Steve and I and our family to The Lord. I pray that God's grace continue to be at work in our marriage.

Back to basics

I am now going back to basics. Refocusing on God and Christ.

"Everything I am, everything I long to be,
I lay it down at your feet" Song and lyrics by Matt Maher

When I heard this song at church yesterday, it exemplifies what I was thinking. Simple, humble love of God. Prayerful meditation on God, offering all that I am is so powerful. You will feel God's presence in your life. It will transform you. That's what I mean when I say back to basics.

"Take me to the king. I don't have much to bring. My heart is torn to pieces, that's my offering. Lay me at the throne, leave me there alone. To gaze upon your glory." By Tamela Mann

Simple humble prayer. All he wants is all of me. All he wants is all of you. The broken bits, the whole bits. The part of you that you keep hidden, the part of you shared with the world.

When I hear this song the throne I see is the cross. Christ chose his throne for me, for you.

His name alone, Jesus, is a powerful simple meditative prayer. If you meditate on the name of Jesus, you will feel his presence. It will transform you. Simple but powerful. Back to basics.

God in three parts. Father, Son and Holy Spirit. All three powerful, individually and as the trinity. Four great ways to meditate and pray. God wants us all to be with him in his kingdom. He is the perfect parent, loving us, guiding us, letting us fall and get back up on our own and forgiving us. Offering a way home, through Christ with self sacrifice and love. Ultimate love, the love that is not about us but about others. Christ says "You shall love The Lord your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind." Matthew 22:37
He also says "as I have loved you, so you should also love one another." John 13:34

Simple, humble, self giving. Laying it all down. Letting it all go. Opening yourself to God and letting Him transform you. This will transform the world.

As you can probably tell, music is how I feel God. For me it is a form of prayer. There are so many powerful songs out there. But maybe for you it something different. Art, poetry, nature, God's presence is everywhere. He will touch your heart, he will be there if you open to it.

We are a week and half into lent. So how is it going? For me it's going well.
I waffle a bit. Somedays I feel like "I got this, my prayer life is going good. I am being more disciplined with it" to "ugh! I'm still not were I want to be, why not?" I do this with my spiritual life, my fitness life and others. I think we all do. We need to just keep working at it.

May God presence be felt in your life!

Ash Wed

First day of the Lenten season.

A season of Prayer, Fasting and Charity.

As we refocus, turn our attention back to Christ.
We get distracted by the world and our selfishness. Our Lenten practices help us to refocus.

Prayer, opens our hearts and minds to Christ.
The ACTS from of prayer is a favorite of mine.
Adoration - praising God
Contrition - asking for forgiveness for our sins and mistakes
Thanksgiving - giving thanks for God's grace and all our blessings
Supplication - asking God to watch over us, our friends, family, country etc....

Fasting, abstinence, sacrifice....
Denying our selfish desires, most often food, but could be other sacrifices.
As we sacrifice we remember the sacrifice of Christ. We are also reminded that our bodies are temples, we have a responsibility to care for that temple. Finally, we need to remember those who go without basic needs.
There are many who go without food, water, basic shelter and safety. There are also many who are spiritually hungry. Who have lost their faith and hope.

Charity, almsgiving
As we are praying and sacrificing we are also called to acts of charity. Real acts of love. Some take the money saved from their sacrifices and donate it to a charitable org. Others give of their time to help those in need. Others practice random acts of kindness. Lent can also be a good time to work on forgiveness. Letting go of anger and hatred. Opening our hearts to love those around us. This is what Christ calls us to do, "To love as I have loved you".

As we turn our attention to Christ, as we walk with him on this spiritual journey, through the 40 days in the dessert, into His Passion and onto the Cross, finally ending with a risen Lord who We will recognize in the breaking of the bread, we will hopefully end up closer to Christ. We will know and feel His Love, His Peace and His Forgiveness.

May God Bless us all on our spiritual journeys, wherever we are and wherever He leads us.