The Decisions I Make

For those who are people pleasers......

For those who struggle with decisions.....

For those who are in relationships......

The decisions I make affect those with whom I share my life. That is a fact that never escapes my mind. I am a people person, I have stated that before. It is a challenge for me when making a decision to filter out my desire to make everyone happy. Especially when I feel I am being pulled in opposite directions. 

I know I need to make the best decision for me. But I am a part of a sum. Does that make sense?

I am a people person and my relationships are my priority. My family is who I am. The fact that I weigh what is best for my relationship with Steve, weigh what is best for my household, weigh what is best for my kids, is a valid point. I am not a selfish person. I also know that if I am happy and fulfilled then I am more apt to serve God. I know that if I am happy and fulfilled then I am a better wife. I know that if I am happy and fulfilled I am a better mother. I am a better friend, sister, aunt etc........

I try to take into account all of this when making a decision. That is a lot and I sometimes feel overwhelmed. It is a matter of laying out my priorities, of filtering out the noise in my own head and making a decision.

I do this with prayer, with exercise, and sometimes just going with my gut. Its funny though because after I make the decision, I don't feel a sense of relief. I don't get that sense of relief until I have spoken to those involved in person and know that they are ok. That is stressful in itself. I need to be more confident in my decision and let others deal with it. I don't mean that in the snotty way of saying "deal with it". But in the literal sense of dealing with it. 

We say a lot in this culture "I don't owe anyone anything!"  I don't personally believe that. I owe God my life, I owe Steve my commitment and more, I owe my kids my time and love, I owe my family and friends, time and friendship, I owe my enemies forgiveness and the list goes on and on.  

We are all interconnected. Whether we like it or not. We are social creatures, designed by God, to work, to live, to procreate, to create communities. The decisions others make affects you, the decision you make affect others. We are our brothers keepers. 

Haircut

So I got my haircut the other day..... It was the first time my hair has ever been cut by a dude. I don't mean a man, a person of the male sex, I mean a dude. Scruffy facial hair and grunts instead of words and all. 

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind being touched by a man at all. My hair washing experience was a head massage. I don't know if he meant it to be one but it was nice. I love having my hair washed by someone else. 

After the wash, we sit in the chair and I show him a picture of the haircut I would like. He makes this weird face. My mind immediately assumes that he thinks it is the a horrible haircut for me. That I will look terrible. He asks to borrow my phone while he goes talk to his instructor. (Yeah, I go to Aveda Institute for my haircuts) 

When he returns, the instructor is with him. She begins to discuss the cut with him. At that moment I realize, it wasn't that I choose a bad haircut, I chose a cut he didn't know how to do. 

Ok, now what! I don't freak out. I sit patiently and he starts to cut. The instructor is off in the distance watching while doing other stuff. At one point she comes over and cuts the layers into half of my head, teaching him as she goes along. He is instructed to cut the other half.

While he is cutting my hair, he all of a sudden stops. He says "I'll be right back" and walks away. I figured right away that he had cut himself with the scissors. The instructor comes and takes the scissors and comb away. I am sitting there waiting and waiting. Finally he comes back and yep there is a little bandage on one finger. OOPS!!!

He has to spray my hair wet again. So he grabs the spray bottle and spritzes my hair. He tosses the bottle onto the counter and it lands sideways, he doesn't even notice. I told you, dude!

Finally he is done. Only an hour later. Not bad for a pretty simple cut. The instructor comes over and checks. She cleans it up a little. But all in all he did a good job. 

Now he has to diffuse my hair with a hair dryer. He mentions to his instructor that his earlier customer needed to diffusing and her hair come out very frizzy. Uh Oh!

She explains how to diffuse correctly. He begins to blow dry my hair and is touching it. Yeah, touching it. Anyone and everyone knows that you don't touch hair because you make it frizzy. Again a dude!!

The instructor comes over again and explains that you should touch the hair as little as possible. Especially curly hair! Otherwise it will frizz. 

Finally we are done. Again he did a pretty good job. It was simple haircut. Sort of short Meg Ryan look. Head massaged and hair cut by a dude. It was a good day.  

What I have.....

What I have isn't perfect, but it is pretty close

What I have is worth more than gold

What I have money can't buy

What I have I know is good

What I have is attainable

What I have is a choice

What I have takes work

What I have is boring; to some

What I have is weird; to others

What I have is complicated

What I have is simple

What I have is ..........

A relationship with Christ

A strong marriage

A partner with whom we have sacrificed for our kids

A safe secure home

A grand-baby on the way

A life with four beautiful kids

A wonderful daughter in law

A strong man standing beside me

A strong female psyche

A desire to continue to make things better

A love for those around me

We married very, very young

We chose to live a straight "boring" life

We chose to live in a town that is all about education

We chose to focus on our kids, our marriage, and Christ

I strive not to take for granted what I have. I know what it is like to not have these things. I remember. I look around and know this is good, this is close to paradise. 

Behind Closed Doors

For my sisters.....

For my mother.....

For my brothers....

For my friends and neighbors

and all those who live behind closed doors......

Someone said to me recently "we don't know what goes on behind closed doors". I certainly have heard this many times in my life. It is not a new thought but something that we certainly can forget.

Not just behind closed doors but behind the fronts we put on for the public. Behind the Facebook posts and sweet hellos. Do we truly know the struggles of others? Do others know the struggles I face?

Some people are very guarded and don't open up easily. Some of us don't feel like sharing our drama with the world. So it is hard for those around us to know what's going on in our heads or our homes. 

We judge based on what we see. How a person looks. How they present themselves to the world. Because this is all we know, this is all we see. Sometimes we need to recognize that what we see may not be the whole picture. We need to recognize the person behind the smile. 

Look at them as a valued human person

The person they present to the world is part of them but only part. Who are those we interact with daily? Who am I in this world? What am I presenting to the world? 

If we are truly present for those around us. If we open our hearts to God and let his love take over. Then we will be able to open our hearts to those around and love and listen and love and help and love. We are called to Love!

What does this word "Love" mean? What is it to be truly present? These are challenging questions. I love my husband, I love my children. But let's not mix up love with lust or desire. Let's not mix love with complete agreement on all things. Love in one sense is wanting something better for the other person. Love is treating others with dignity. Love is being able to disagree without allowing pride or hate or the absolute desire to be right to take over. Love is self sacrifice and self giving. Christ loved, absolutely and purely, perfectly, unto death and beyond. 

To those reading this and are feeling alone. To those reading this that feel like they have no one to talk to, no one who will listen completely and not judge. To those who feel overwhelmed and over burdened. Know that there are those around you who love you. Those around you who want to listen and give support and love. Sometimes you have to take that first step to be heard. You have to let someone in. But also know that God knows whats in your heart. Lay it all out for Him. He can take it. Yell, scream, pray. Write it down and throw it way. Write it down then burn it. Pray, Pray, Pray!! 

There is unconditional love there! There is Hope!

Step out on faith

For those who have taken of leap of faith.....
For those who want to step out on faith.....
For those who wonder....

Our self-esteem, or at least mine, is tenuous at best. Sometimes I feel like I can conquer the world and I have it all together. Other times I feel I can't do anything right

As I am committing to and refocusing on writing this blog, I wonder how my self-esteem will handle it. I want it to be accepted and for people to take something from it. I certainly don't want it to be an epic failure. I am doing this as part of a discernment process for my life, how to live out and use the gifts from God to serve Him and make the world better.

I am trying through prayer and openness to write from the heart. I don't want it to be about me. I want it to be God driven. I was thinking about this at church this morning.

If the blog isn't one of my charisms that's ok. But again my self-esteem may not be able to handle an epic fail. I would rather not discover that I am a bad writer or fail to make a point or am just plain boring. I also don't want it to be hugely, ridiculously successful to the point that I would be tempted to make it all about me. In both cases my pride would take over and it would be about me rather than this blog. I need to rely on God, step out on faith and see what happens. I know that He will see me through this to the desired end.

I am trying to share some of the thoughts I have on different subjects and things that have happened to me that I feel some of you go through as well. But these are just my thoughts and opinions. I am certainly not the most formally educated person. I have an associate’s degree that took me 10 years to complete. Not because the material was too hard but because I was raising my kids. I have lived on the planet for 48 years, I am somewhat well read, and try to think things through based on life experiences. The only life I can experience is my own, but that is enough.

Most of the things I have said are not new thoughts or new ideas. They are old thoughts and old ideas just told from my perspective. Some of them are the beliefs I strive to live, some of them are ideas we have forgotten or misplaced so to speak.

A lot of the ideas come from music. I am a lyrical person, some song lyrics (even cheesy ones) can really spark thoughts and ideas. Don't get me wrong, a good dance number is awesome, especially when dancing or cleaning the house. But sometimes, sometimes I stumble onto song lyrics that fit what I am currently thinking about or going through. It is in these moments I know that God is singing to me. This has happened more times than I could talk about.

Other thoughts come from listening or trying to hear what someone is saying. Sometimes it is a simple line in a Facebook post, a homily during mass, during a conversation with someone, or something said on television. I truly don't know when something will light the fire and create a train of thought. That steam engine is driven by God.

I do enjoy writing these and am open to honest feedback. Please feel free to share.

Unconditional Love

For those discerning charisms and working towards a more Holy existence......

For those struggling with life and love............

For those who have ever felt unloved or unlovable........

For those whose hearts are broken...........

For those who want to feel true literal unconditional love........

God loves us unconditionally. We have all heard this but have we really reflected on it? Take a moment and let that sink in: GOD LOVES US UNCONDITIONALLY, Literally. 

No matter who you are, no matter what you have done, no matter where you live, no matter your last name, no matter your gender, no matter.........

UNCONDITIONALLY!!

We all love. We love our parents, siblings, spouses, friends, relatives and others. We fall in and out of love. We love someone, then see behind the curtain so to speak, of who they truly are, their demons, their vices, their pasts and we struggle to come to terms with it. Sometimes, we fall out of love.

Not God, not Jesus. He sat down with sinners. He spoke to the Samaritan woman at the well. He invited the simple fisherman and the tax collector to be his apostles. He converted a persecutor of Christians to be his apostle. 

His unconditional love knows no bounds. Did Paul go to prison for his persecutions? Did Christ turn Peter away for denying Him three times? Did Thomas get reprimanded for doubting? Did the Samaritan woman at the well get scoffed at or shunned? 

Mary Magdalen was known as a great sinner. She threw herself at Jesus' feet and washed his feet with her hair and anointed Him with oils. Did he rebuke her? Did her turn her away as others mumbled?

Unconditional love. We all have pasts. We have our lives right now. There are things that make us feel unlovable. We struggle with Internal Demons. How God can love me when I keep making the same mistakes over and over? When I say I am going to stop but don't? None of that matters when it comes to His unconditional love. If you turn to Him, if you open your heart and just ponder the name, "Jesus, Jesus", you will feel it. 

Unconditional love. We can't comprehend it, we can't live it without God's help. We are called to unconditional love. We should practice it. We all have things that would make us turn to anger, to shun, to persecute, to get even. Our pride takes over and we want to be right. Our pride takes over and we want our justice, not God's justice, not what's right for those around us. 

Our pride and this world tells us to fight for what is ours. If someone tries to take it then we defend ourselves. We put up our walls, our defenses. We arm ourselves. We don't look to Jesus who told Peter "put down that sword". Who went to His death with true love and obedience. Who trusted in His Father's plan. Who on His cross said "Father forgive them for they know not what they do". 

Let us look to God. Let us open our hearts to His true unconditional love for us and those around us. Let us throw ourselves at His feet. Let us place our broken hearts at the foot of His cross. Let us be in His presence and feel His all powerful love. Let it pour into our very being.

Holy Spirit

For those who question....

For those who doubt....

For those who wonder.....

For those who seek.....

Who is Jesus? Did he really exist? Is what we know the truth?

These are the hard questions. I have struggled to answer them and have never found an accurate way. Jesus has always been at work in my life. What I have discovered is; I can't answer these questions for someone else they have to answer them for themselves. 

Paul says in 1st Corinthians Ch 12 verse 3.  

'Therefore, I tell you that nobody speaking by the spirit of God says, “Jesus be accursed.” And no one can say, “Jesus is Lord,” except by the holy Spirit.'

As I reflect on this verse and recall the story of Pentecost in John ch. 20, verse 19-23, I realize the Holy Spirit, the third person of the Trinity, is the key. It is with the guidance of the Holy Spirit that we know Jesus. The Holy Spirit guided the apostles from their sanctuary and led them to proclaim Christ to the world. This was birthday of the Christian church, this was before the Bible was canonized, this was the beginning.

If no one can say "Jesus is Lord" except by the Holy Spirit. Then we need to let the Holy Spirit guide us to Jesus. How do we do this? The easiest way is by asking for the intercession of the Holy Spirit in our lives through prayer.  We have to find a way to cherish and encourage some silence in our lives. It is difficult and challenging to hear God if we fill our lives with noise. For example, I am sitting in Church and a beautiful young family is sitting behind me. As with most young children they are noisy. That is who they are and it's really no big deal. But as I was listening to the readings, it was challenging to focus on what was being said and not on the rustling of children. This is a great analogy for our lives. If we are always focused on the noise of the life around us, then we can't hear. 

Furthermore, we need to ask the Holy Spirit to come into our lives. I understand if you don't know if you believe in the Holy Spirit, why would you ask it anything? I would contend, what have you got to lose? If there is nothing there then nothing will happen, if there is something there then you will know.

Some call this Pascal's wager, in its simplest form. 

Holy Spirit prayers range from short to long. When or how you pray is personal and varied. One of my favorite prayers "Come Holy Spirit", simple and to the point. 

A longer version; 

Come Holy Spirit, open my mind and my heart.

Enlighten me, apply your Word to my life and use it to transform me.

Make me a good listener.

Draw me closer to You my God.

Amen.

There are many others. A prayer is a personal thing and you could make up your own words. The key is to take a quiet moment and ask the Holy Spirit to come into your life. Whether that moment be a minute or 10 minutes. Start there, see what happens. If nothing, then you go on with your life and never look back. If something, then you go on with your life with a new perspective.

ps. this is a even longer version.

Come, Holy Spirit, fill my heart with your holy gifts. 

Let my weakness be penetrated with your strength this very day that I may fulfill the duties of my state in life conscientiously, that I may do what is right and just. 

Let my charity be such as to offend no one and hurt no one's feelings; so generous as to pardon sincerely any wrong done to me. 

Assist me in all the trials of life, enlighten me in my ignorance, advise me in my doubts, strengthen my weakness, help me in all needs and embarrassment, protect me in temptations and console me in all afflictions. 

Graciously hear me, O Holy Spirit, and pour your light into my heart, my soul and my mind. 

Assist me to live a holy life and to grow in goodness and grace.  Amen