Can you see your own beauty?

This may probably be one of my most personal blogs yet. 

Please, I implore you to hold off the compliments, I am not writing this for that. You will understand when you read it. It is a normal reaction to want to say “no, that is not true, you are beautiful”. Before you do that read the whole thing and recognize the honesty on what is written. 

I don’t think I am ugly, not by any stretch of the imagination. I think I am normal looking just like most of you. There are those women who are very beautiful and recognize it. There are those women who are very beautiful and don’t or still struggle with self esteem issues. I strive to be a normal looking woman who doesn’t beat herself up or get to down on herself. I have made great strides. I can take a compliment and say thank you for the most part. I can be ok and confident in how I look for the most part. 

I went to lunch once with a friend, she is not a close friend but she is a friend. She is, to me, a very attractive woman. At the end of lunch she wanted to take a selfie of us for a project. We both groaned but got together and took a few photos. She handed me her phone and said “you pick, I can’t stand to look at pictures of me”. I too don’t like looking at pics of me but I picked the best I could. To be honest I mostly looked for the best one of her and made sure I didn’t have a my tongue out or anything ridiculous. I know honestly I am not the most photogenic person. That is just me being honest. 

When I look at myself in the mirror, I generally say “ok, not to bad”. But for some reason when I see pics of myself or even worse videos I get really disheartened. There are times when I want to crawl in bed and never leave. Or quit my job, become a gym rat and join every weight loss program possible. I have to pull myself out of that and recognize how crazy I am being. 

I tell myself “what would you say to your friend if they said that”. I literally look at myself in the mirror and say them. 

Why are we so hard on ourselves? I think women do this more but I don’t think we are the only ones. I think lots of men do as well. Why are constantly comparing ourselves to those who we perceive have it all together? Why do we think others are judging us? And if they are, why do we care so much?

We really can be quite mean to ourselves and to others, all based on looks. I don’t know the answer on how to change this. I know that pretty people, or should I say “people that have good symmetry and come across well in pictures” are pleasing to look at and it makes sense that they are used in commercial ad and such. But why should that make us feel bad about ourselves? Why is there so much ridiculous photo shopping to create the perfect image of a person? 

We say all the right words “everyone is beautiful, beauty comes from the inside out, beauty comes in all forms and sizes”. We all believe that to be true and we want media to promote that. But I am talking from a personal level, how do we believe it about ourselves. 

I know I can stand to lose weight, I know when I am being lazy about my appearance. I want to work on losing some weight and take better care of myself without beating myself up. 

Is this a struggle for you? What are your struggles? Can you be honest with yourself? Can you see your own beauty?

WOKE

“WOKE”

Are you? Am I? 

People use this word to mean enlightened to the plight of......”black people”, “women”, “gay people” etc....

Well America you are not “woke” as long as you allow, encourage, and even joke about the systematic elimination of a whole class or type of people. As long as you glorify and taut as acceptable and even applaud a country who practices genocide to get rid of people with Down syndrome. 

Instead of universal health care

Instead of accessible, affordable, reasonable adoption services

Instead of encouraging businesses to support working parents, especially single parents

Instead of encouraging universities to support students who are parents, esp single parents

Instead of seeing poor children with love and compassion, you see them as a burden

Instead of seeing a person with Down syndrome or any other disability, you see a burden

You look at them sideways and ask the horrific question 

“didn’t you know before you gave birth?’ 

America, supposedly the greatest country, you have nothing to offer women but abortion. You taut as some great choice, a progressive approach to the burden of being a mom. To the burden of children. Instead of honoring and glorifying that which gives life you have convinced many that children are burdens, especially if they are poor or have some disability that you determine isn’t worthy of life. You rip children from the womb and kill. You convince women its no big deal. 

But it is!!

This is not about politics or this party or that. We are all a culprit to where we are now. We are all culpable in the way we treat our children, our poor, our women, our single parents, and our persons with disabilities.

America has never been great to these people and so can’t possibly be great again. 

Imagine if we create a test to determine if a child will be gay and parents started aborted those children would you be ok with that? Imagine we decided that men were the root of evil and began aborting male babies, would you be ok with that? I know you are going to say I am being extreme, but am I really? Where is the line? Where is your line? Where is my line? Who determines that line? The current political party in charge, the previous political party, or any political party? Parents? The parents weren’t allowed to chose in the Alfie case or the Charlie Gard case. The government stepped in, is that what we want? Not me!

Women, persons with disabilities, minorities, single parents, babies and poor children deserve better and demand better. We are better than this. We can be better but its starts now. 

"Sitting On My Hands"

I haven’t written in a while but I have been thinking about it a lot. So here goes another restart.

It has been to long, 2 yrs!! Wow!!!

I may not advertise this one, I mostly write for myself anyway. If you are reading this Thanks!!

I have been thinking about where I am in my life right now. I am well into a mid life crisis, well maybe not crisis, but definitely a mid life something. The thought or words that keep popping into my head are “I am not sitting on my hands anymore” As with all analogies this one will be weak but let me try and explain anyways.

As most people know I had a rough childhood. It was crazy, it was dysfunctional to say the least. So I decided that I wanted a straight square life of my own. I married an amazing man that was perfect for that. Not that he is a square(using the old slang for someone boring), he is far from boring but he does like a nice square life. And that is beautiful, he has always known what he wanted and how to make it happen for that most part. 

I, on the other hand, had no idea what a square life looked like. I decided to do everything I could do give my kids a square, secure life. So I sat on my hands, I surrounded myself with wonderful people who also lived on the straight and narrow. It was the whole ‘fake it till you make it kind’ of thing. Steve and I decided that I would be a stay at home mom for the kids. I wasn’t a very good stay at home mom. My kids ate too much junk food, watched too much tv and played too many video games. They didn’t do arts & crafts or go on field trips with me. 

But, I was there with love and all I could offer. Steve and I chose not to be partying drinking parents. Again the straight and narrow life. I have no complaints about that. It was what we wanted and what I needed. 

Now about 30 yrs later I am done sitting on my hands. I am a mix of that child who grew up in the ghetto of Detroit and that square straight stay at home mom. I love who I am and I love letting my hair down to enjoy all this world has to offer. 

Again, as most of you know, I am a religious person and I will not go totally crazy and let this world take that away from me. As I venture out to enjoy; my eyes and my heart are fixed on Christ and my prayer is always let me enjoy this time but save me from myself and the dangers of the world full of lust, greed, gluttony etc.... 

I drink, I dance, I go out late(past midnight even :0). One of my favorite things is to be on dance floor with a little buzz and bass pounding music and just completely lose myself. So if you see me please come and enjoy the dance. I will do things and dress in things and say things that many may say “can you believe that, its crazy, she must have forgot that she is over 50 now”. 

I will not live by other people’s rules. I will live by my rules, I will not do anything that God or my husband will not want, out of respect and love. I will not embarrass my kids now or ever,

 well maybe a little embarrassment will remind them that I am more that just their mother, lol!

Right now I want to enjoy every moment, every aspect of where my life is. Whether that is hanging out with my grandsons or my kids, going to church or with Steve to Florida or with Lisa on a road trip or with Maria at a concert. Exploring the world, enjoying every moment to the fullest. 

Wherever the road leads!!!

Come along for the ride if you want an adventure.

Much love and blessings to all!!!

I am Catholic and yes I am saved

I am Catholic and yes I am saved. 

By the passion and death of Christ, by His rising from the dead, I am saved.

By my proclamation that Christ is my Lord and Savior, I am saved

By my baptism, I am saved

By my receiving of the Eucharist, when I profess "this is the body, blood, soul and divinity" of my Lord Jesus Christ, I am saved

When I make the sign of the cross, I renew my baptismal promise, to renounce satan and all the I do, all that I am, I do in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirt, I am saved.

When I go to mass, I profess my belief and commitment to Christ as my Lord and Savior, I am saved. 

When I say the "our Father" and recommit my life to Christ, I am saved. 

When I live my Christian faith, not to earn but to draw closer to my Savior, I am saved. 

Christ says in James, "I will separate the goats from the sheep" He will know I am Christian because I fed him when he was hungry, I clothed him when he was naked, I visited him when he was sick or imprisoned. 

I am Catholic and I am saved, not by my own doing or by anything I deserve.

I am saved because Christ died on the cross for my sins.

I am Catholic and my faith keeps me focused on my Savior.

I am Catholic and I strive to live as a sheep of Christ, my faith helps me to focus on loving Christ in his people around me. 

I am Catholic and I love.

I am Catholic and I know

I am Catholic and I believe

I am Catholic and I am saved. 

Smile through tears

"Smile though your heart is aching, smile even though it's breaking" Nat King Cole 

This song has been running through my head since I learned that my son, daughter in law and grandson are moving back to Seattle WA. 

I have tried to allow my kids to live their lives. I have tried not to guilt or prod them to live a life I think they should. Have I succeeded? I don't know, you would have to ask them.

I know the move to Seattle is not being done to hurt me(or Steve). I know they have to live their lives and choose what is best for them. Whether I agree or disagree. 

I just always thought I would be an integral part of my grand children's lives. I always thought I would be connected and have special bond that includes spending lots of quality time. I know Steve feels the same way I do. But time and distance will change that. A 3 hour time difference and 1900 miles will make the relationship I have with my grandson different. I am not writing this to make then feel bad, I am just stating the facts. I am not trying to guilt them, just sharing my feelings. I have struggled with writing this and posting this. I sometimes have this desire to write things out and can't find peace until I write and post. So if this causes hurt feelings, I am sorry. 

Some have suggested that I move to the Pacific Northwest. I would never say never, but right now that will not happen. My mom and Steve's mom are here. My mom will be 75 this year. I cherish her and want to be a part of her life for as long as possible. Now I feel like I have to choose between my mom and my grandson. 

I trust in God, I trust in Steve. Both of taken care of me and have never let me down. I have to believe that the next 30 years will be as awesome and the last 30 years. What is in store for me will be what is right. I have to place my trust in that.

My kids have made me proud. They are great people and they live their lives. They work hard and love the world and its people. My only wish for them is that they have or develop a strong relationship with God. I need to trust in them as well. Trust them to live their lives for what is right for them and their families. I just hope I am a part of their plan. 

I pray and will always pray for my families happiness. That they find their purpose in life and have peace. I will support and love my family. I will smile through the tears, I will pray for peace, happiness and love.

Socks and underwear

I have to buy socks and underwear;

 because God told me to.

I know crazy right. Believe me I hear it my own head too. 

About 6 weeks ago I decided to make up little care packages for anyone I see begging. (I don't say homeless because I don't know nor assume that they don't have a home.) Anyway, I don't carry cash so I decided to make little brown bag care packages. It was rather spur of the moment. I put it what I thought someone might need; a protein bar, pair of gloves, hand and feet warmers, a deck of cards, and a Saint or prayer card. As I was putting them together I kept getting the sense that they weren't quite ready. But I didn't know what I was missing.  

I put the little care packs together, put them in a canvas grocery sack and set them in my back seat. I made sure they were reachable while I was driving. Weird thing though, since I made them about 3weeks ago, I haven't come across one person to give them to, not one. I was still getting the sense that they weren't ready. 

Today I was driving around doing errands thinking about the care packages, doing God's will, and the corporal works of mercy. I was beginning to doubt. All the little voices in the my head were getting louder. "They are all criminals", "They don't need your little bags", "You are missing the point once again in doing God's will", blah blah blah..... I was getting discouraged and doubting again. I said to God, please just let me know if I am on the right track or need to go a different way. Please!!!

Literally 10 minutes later, I am making a left into a strip mall. I see a young man on the corner with a sign. Where he is I may end up depending on traffic. I run my errand and leave the area. I go to make another left if I can, this would put me right next to him. If I can't make a left, I would have to go around and pass right by him. As I pull up to make the left, there is no traffic in my way, not one car. I smoothly turn. I stop at the red light and there he is with a sign asking for help. I open my window, hand him the care package, say "God Bless you brother". He takes it says thanks and walks away. I roll up my window and look at the light. He walks back a moment later and waves. I roll down my window and he thanks me again. He is very appreciative. 

He says gloves are always needed but so are socks and underwear. If you get the chance to share those, many of us out here need them. I said "socks and underwear, got it!" I said this as much to him as to God. The light turns green and I go on about my life. 

Now I have to gather socks and underwear! If you see any on sale please let me know.

God Bless you and your family. Be warm, safe and giving this new year. 

What is a feminist? Am I a feminist? Are you? Do you care?

Am I a feminist? I always thought so, I have always considered myself a feminist. But recently I am not so sure. 

I guess it depends on your definition of a feminist. 

I don't really like labels. It is to much of a box. Are you liberal, conservative, republican, democrat, blah blah. I don't agree with anybody 100%. 

I am christian, very devout strong christian. Do I agree 100% with every other christian? Not at all. 

I am a woman, 100% through and through female. Do I agree with every other woman out there? Not at all. And that's okay.

So am I a feminist? Does the label or name even matter? Not really, but it just got me to thinking about that fact that I consider myself a feminist but many others wouldn't, I find that interesting. 

I believe in the genius of woman. The glory and splendor of woman. We are amazing, strong, beautiful creatures. We are more than our genitalia and hormones. We can do anything. We can be anything. We are strong and fierce. We are different than men. Not weaker, not less, just different. Our muscle structure, our hormones and our genitalia are all signs of that. 

But that doesn't make us less deserving of adequate pay, the right to vote, the importance of our being, and that we can't do anything we set our minds to...

All woman are glorious, from the so called "butch" to the so called "girly girly" ones. We all make up "woman". I respect those that don't wear skirts ever to those that only wear skirts. Those who stay home and raise their families to those who are devoted to a career or vocation. To those who have chosen the religious life to those who have chosen to be CEOs. From the consecrated virgin to the mother of 13. All women are to be loved and respected. 

Our bodies are not broken or burdensome. Our natural rhythm and cycles are part of us, not something to pump full of hormones and try to suppress. Pregnancy isn't a burden or a disease. It is a beautiful life giving gift. It should be honored and respected. Pregnant women, especially those in crisis, but not just those in crisis, should be offered respect, healthcare, efficient adoption resources, affordable day care, and other options, not abortion. Abortion is a violent intrusive act that hurts women.

We are not just objects for sexual desire. Sex is a natural beautiful act. Our enjoyment of it is a gift. Not something to be traded and used up. It is something to be cherished and honored. 

I, like some, want to feel sexy and pretty. But my self worth shouldn't be tied up in how desirable I can be to men. My self worth is worth more than that. 

I love dance music. l love to dance and get lost in the beat. But some of the songs out there are horrendous to women. We justify, I have justified, and said it's just a song, it's no big deal. That reasoning is lacking in the love and dignity I feel all women deserve. 

We, women, sometimes can be so hard on each other. The pretty one gets shunned, because we think she has it made. I work with a very pretty young lady. She gets hit on all the time. She is friendly and chatty but so many take that as a signal. How hard it must be to deal with that on a daily basis? Or what about the chubby one that gets shamed for her weight. Others judge everything she does, what she eats, how much she sits or walks or whatever. How hard it must be to live with that scrutiny? The skinny one; who has to deal with the questions; "Do you ever eat? Are you anorexic?" Maybe she is just skinny.  

The woman with the down syndrome child has to deal with the whispered, sickening question, "Did you know before she was born?". What a horrible thing to ask a mother about her child. "Why didn't you kill her?" This is what they are really asking. What about that beautiful little girl, looked at like something that shouldn't be here. 

We judge each other based on what we wear. We put out lists of things you shouldn't do at age "whatever". We judge working mothers, stay at home mothers. We judge those that have chosen to be open to life and have lots of children. We judge those who can't or don't have children. The list can go on and on. 

Instead we should be building each other up, supporting one another. And I know many out there do just that. We need to be better at it. We need to practice it every day. To teach our little girls to love and respect themselves and others.

To honor the dignity, genius and beauty that is woman.

I am not sure if this makes me a feminist or not. But I do know that the label doesn't matter.

 

To quote Helen Reddy

"oh yes, I am wise

But it is a wisdom born of pain

yes, I've paid the price

But look how much I've gained

If I have to, I can face anything

I am strong

I am invincible

I am woman"

Holding on and letting go

"I love you Jesus, not for what you give but what you take" St. Mother Theresa of Calcutta.

This was the thought behind today's homily. A beautiful thought. It was a great mass today. I normally prefer a more contemporary mass but today we went to 11am which is a more orthodox, high mass. 

As I sat there looking around, it always gives me such peace of mind. All these people, various shapes, sizes, ages, nationalities and races, all there taking a moment out of the busyness of life to worship God. We all stand together, pray together and worship together. 

Fr. Todd lights the incense and the smoke rises, the smell wafts throughout the church. It rises like our prayers to God. All of our prayers lifting each other. Adoring God, asking for mercy with a contrite heart, thanking him for what he has done in our lives, asking for supplications.

"not for what you give but what you take" Fr Todd references. In his homily, he talks about what we offer to God. We offer our lives but then when tries to take over, we don't let go. It is a work in progress. Something we all need to work on. 

We like to offer. We like to say we are giving. But are we really. Do we allow others to take?

CS Lewis says our giving should be felt. It should not be just the extra we have. It should be harder and more real. If someone needs a coat, we should give him the one on our back. Not just the extra one in the closet. That is the challenge. To trust in God's providence and allow him to take over our lives. To trust in God's providence to care for us if we give till we feel it. 

We are called to give our love. This is tricky. Loving someone doesn't mean we have to agree on everything. We disagree because we love the other and want the best for them. Most times for me, my pride gets in the way, I just want to be right. It is no longer based on truth and love. That is not what Christ called us to. He sat down with those on the fringes, he loved those who disagreed with him, he loves those who put him to death. As he was dying he said "Father forgive them for they know not what they do".  That is what we are called to do. To love and forgive, even the worst and most atrocious offenses. This comes from Grace, this comes from giving ourselves over completely to God. 

I heard a story once of a woman who was in the concentration camps in Germany. Her mother, father and sister were all killed. She was giving talks on forgiveness around the world. At one such talk a man come up to her and asked for forgiveness. He didn't recognize her. She recognized him. He was the man who killed her sister. She was shaken to her core. She was staring at him with his hand outstretched. She couldn't reach for it. She couldn't forget what happened to her sister. At that moment she began to pray. She asked for God's grace. She said "Lord, this is on you. I can't reach out. You have to do it" Slowly she reached her hand out and he took it. They shook hands. She says a great weight was lifted in that moment. She felt it, she knew it. God had saved her and this man, and it was good. She truly gave over her life to God, she allowed him to take it. 

St. Mother Theresa allowed God to completely take over her life. She thanked him for taking it. Something we can all do. We are not all called to serve the poor in India.  We are all called for different purposes. Can we allow God to take over our lives and thank him for it? To live out our purpose. If we do...

it will be better and more glorious than we could ever imagine. 

Much love and blessings to all!

This is me

This is me. Pure and simple. Some say naive and uneducated. The optimist, who, to a fault, try to see the good in people. I assume all people are good and some just make bad choices. I know naive right?

I also know that when I begin this next part of the blog many of you will not continue reading. I know you will say there she goes again on her God train. UGH!! But I would politely ask that you do me the favor of reading on. If you disagree or don't get it that's fine. I just ask that you listen to what I am saying. That's all

I know God is not dead, neither is the concept of God. For me, He is as real as you. For me to deny him, would be like someone once said, to deny the Sun exists. I see it in the sky, it brings me warmth and light and makes me feel better, but I have never touched it or held it. It is real though and so is God. 

God has been such a part of my life, always, that I have never doubted. Not once, ever. 

When I say this to people, they look at me like I am crazy. Like I am from another planet and am speaking a foreign language. First of all, they don't believe me. "Yeah right, everyone doubts and debates the existence of God". But I am telling you the truth. I have never doubted the existence of God and that He came incarnate in the form of Jesus Christ. I have known these to be true my whole life. 

God has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. He has done some amazing things. I have seen His work, I have felt His hands. I have had a few mystical experiences that I rarely share with people. Because their doubt, the look on their faces, cause me to wonder if I am crazy. 

I have wondered about what the other side will be. That is the unknown that causes the pit in my stomach. Nothing in our minds can fathom that or put words to it. People with near death experiences have tried. Dante tried. But I know that it will be nothing like that. We all have a fear of the unknown and that is my unknown.

I also know that God gives us free will. True free will. Absolute free will. We can choose to have Him in our lives or not. He will not force himself on us. We can choose to deny His existence all the way to hell. I am not trying to be fire and brimstone here. I am just saying if you choose to deny God and you die, you will be eternally separated from Him. That is hell, simply put I guess. 

I also that God wants us to be with Him. He wants to be a part of your life, my life, all lives. He loves us unconditionally. Truly, completely unconditionally. Katy Perry sings about unconditional love, we all talk about it. But we don't really accomplish it. We all have our deal breakers on that. If someone does the most awful thing imaginable. For each of us that may be different, what is it for you? That one thing that is unforgivable. There isn't anything in God's eyes that is unforgivable. That is not to say there are no consequences. There are, we all have to sow what we reap. Jesus forgave the thief on the cross. The thief still had to bear his cross till his death. But God's love was there with the thief through it all.  

God is alive and well. He is real and present.

Thanks for reading. Much love and respect to all. 

Oh how I wanted a father, a dad, a traditional family.

I grew up in tough streets of Detroit to a single mom. She did the best she could with what she had, what she was given. Was she perfect? Absolutely not. Did she make mistakes? Yes, lots, some big and small. But I hold no grudge against her. Like I said she did the best she could with what she had. She worked and tried and tried again. Always trying to improve our life. Even when things got there worst, she stood tall, drew on her faith and kept going. But she wasn't a father, a dad. 

Every time there was a new boyfriend I would pray that this one would be nice, would love us all and be a dad. It never worked out that way. Some were nice, others not. Some tried, some didn't. I still always longed for a traditional family, a mom and a dad and kids. 

I have worked hard to give that to my kids. My husband is a great dad to his kids. He is a blessing to our family. Steve and I have worked hard to have a happy marriage. It is a choice, every day. It can be challenging. Especially for me, who comes from a home that didn't model a strong marriage. I had to learn and grow into it. I prayed a lot for strength. But I wanted my kids to have a strong traditional family. 

We still work on our marriage, everyday. Some days are easy and joyful. Some days we have to work at it. We have to pick our battles. Some days it takes a dying to my selfish needs. 

Other days it takes having an open conversation with my husband about my needs and desires. Other days I have to listen to what he needs and desires. We both work at making the other one happy. In giving we receive, in dying to oneself we find happiness. We take our vows very seriously. We have put God in the midst of our marriage. We know we can't do it alone. 

I do see young people struggling with the idea of marriage and giving 100% to someone else. Our society has taught them to be selfish. To get their own needs and desires met at the expense of others. Our society no longer values obedience, discipline, unselfishness. We say we don't need anyone but ourselves. None of these are true. We need each other, we need God.

There is true love in complete unselfishness for those you love. Marriage is tough, marriage is a choice everyday. 

Numerous studies have shown that kids that grow up in a traditional home with a mom and a dad do better, are more successful. Girls who grow up with a father have better self esteem. For me it was important for my kids to have a mom and a dad, a traditional family. For Steve and I to be happy and to reflect what a marriage can look like. Where we perfect? Absolutely not. Did we make mistakes? Yes, some big and some small. We did the best with what we had and what we were given. We are still learning and growing. Drawing on our faith and standing tall. 

Cherished Relationships

Ok, I think most of you know I was sick, really sick for a few weeks. (Still am working on diagnosis, treatment and recovery) But I want to talk about something a little different. 

While being down for 3 or so weeks, I feel like I missed a lot. Life keeps on moving whether you are laying in bed or participating. Mandy moved to Portland, Alex finished school, Trip kept growing like crazy etc....

I was sitting at church, after missing a few mass time, thinking about this. Our lives are about relationships. Relationships with our husbands, wives, children, family and friends. If we value those relationships then we spend time in them. Not so much out of a sense of obligation or duty but out of a sense of desire. 

I desire a relationship with Steve. I want to spend time with him having fun and enjoying life. If I didn't this wouldn't be a very good relationship. But it doesn't mean that sometimes I don't need the guilt of obligation to remind me of this. 

When I begrudgingly, as I sometimes do, put down the iPad, put away the cell phone, or turn off the tv to focus on a relationship, I and the relationship are better for it. The sense of guilt or obligation is sometimes the kick in the butt I need to remind me of what's important. 

Sometimes when something is right in front of you and is good, you take it for granted. You forget that it can slip away so easily while you are distracted with the noise of the world. The iPads, cell phones,  and media can easily pull our attention away from those right in front of us. 

My relationship with God(Jesus) is the same way. I missed mass, I was sick. No guilt or obligation there, God knows. Believe me I turned to Him and spoke with Him and yes questioned Him, when I was down and out. But I missed that quiet, meditative, just spending time with Him. Sitting in mass with others there to worship, honor, praise and be feed is a wonderful moment in my life. It is a relationship I value. It is a relationship I will maintain. 

Now to figure out how to get to Portland to get some quality time with Mandy. To enjoy some quality time with Chris before he goes off on his next adventure. To spend time with Alex before moving into the dorm. To watch Danny and Casie grow in love and family. To see Trip bloom right before my eyes. These are the important things. These are the cherished.

Much love to all!!!! Happy Memorial Day!!!!!

cluster Migraine!!!

Cluster f' ing Migraine, that is the diagnosis. (In all fairness, I added the f' ing) It is a diagnosis of elimination. 2 ER visits, 1 dr visit, ct scan, mri, lumbar puncture, and blood work showed nothing. So it is more than likely a cluster migraine. Cluster migraines almost always happen to males, late 20's, heavy drinkers and smokers. None of which is me. But, lucky me, I get to be the rare instance!!!

Severe debilitating headaches. One of the worst feelings of my life!! I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I didn't get to go with Amanda to help her get settled in Portland, Ore. That was probably the most heartbreaking.

Silver linings, there are always silver linings. 

Great family and friends who offered help, well wishes and lots of prayers. Deacon Jim, who visited, bringing me the bread of life, the word of God and healing prayers. His wife, Ofelia, who brought yummy homemade enchiladas. And an amazing husband, who took awesome care of me. Truly a blessing. 

Special thanks to Jr, Reba, Amanda Faith, Aaron, Renee and Marylou, who worked it out so the two Amandas can have a great road trip to Portland. What great memories they will be creating!!

I am on the road to recovery, hoping and praying this was a one time occurrence. Hoping to never experience this again. Grateful for modern medicine, great family and friends. 

God Bless!

30 years of marital bliss

30 years ago I stood before a judge, 7 months pregnant naive and 18. I stood next to a boy younger and probably more naive. We vowed to love honor and respect each other till death do us part.

I had no idea what life, what God had in store for us. We have had our ups and downs. We have fallen apart and fallen in love many times. 

In Dec of 2000, 18 years to the day of our first kiss, we stood before God and our family to vow to love one another forever.

Today, I would do both all over again. God has blessed me with a best friend to spend my life with. God has blessed me with a strong man, who has been the very best husband and father possible. He makes me laugh, he makes me cry, he makes my life complete.

Our family is in transition right now. Many changes happening this year. As our kids move about creating their own lives, I look across the room and see those beautiful green eyes and that smiling face, I know that everything will be alright.

I am so grateful to have such a man stand before me, stand next to me and stand behind me. We love God, we love our children, we live our catholic faith and we love each other. 

Panic Attack

Panic attacks are real, terrifying and you will do anything possible to get out of the situation. I unfortunately have learned this the hard way. Sometime after I turned 40 I began to feel uncomfortable in tight quarters, especially when surrounded by crowds of people. 

I have fears, some of them irrational. I recognize them as irrational and can act accordingly. For example, I hate spiders and will do everything possible to avoid them or make others deal with them. But if in a situation that is just me and the spider, then I put on my big girl pants and deal with it. 

This is different. Like I said it started as just feeling uncomfortable. My first panic attack was camping with Steve. I felt uncomfortable getting into the tent but thought "ok, once we lay down and settle in I'll be fine". It didn't work out that way. Steve fell asleep as I laid there trying will all my might to relax. I don't remember if I drifted off or what. But I remember feeling like I couldn't breathe and I needed fresh air. I couldn't get out the tent fast enough. I was hyper ventilating and couldn't get back into to the tent. This was a small tent. We chose it because it was small and would be warmer. 

This was mild compared to my most recent one. Steve and I flew to New Orleans for vacation. I flew there by myself to meet him. I was a little nervous about the plane ride there because of the small spaces and people thing. But it worked out fine. The plane was small but not ridiculous and I managed fine. 

The plane ride back was a different story. It was significantly smaller than the first. Ridiculously small!!! We get on and get settled in our seats. I was really having a hard time. I turned on my music and did my breathing exercises. I was doing ok. I kept telling myself it is only a 2hr flight. I kept saying once we get in the air I can start counting down the time. Well that didn't happen, we weren't taking off!!!! The pilot comes on and explains that there is problem with the door seal. That we are waiting for a mechanic to come and take a look. No ETA given. Now, now I am beginning to freak out. I have no time frame. My mind starts going. I am in tears. Poor Steve looks lost and unsure as to what to do. There was nothing he could do. I started asking him to ask the flight attendant if I could get off the plane. The doors broken anyway. I was keeping it together as best I could. Believe me it was hard. I looked at the emergency door. I remembered the news story about some crazy person on an airplane trying to open the emergency hatch. I could understand why now!! It took all I could to keep it together. There is no way to put into words how I felt at that moment. There is no way to explain my mind. 

I have always considered myself to be a strong rational woman. I know this fear is irrational. I knew but it didn't seem to matter at the moment. I felt completely utterly totally trapped, I couldn't think straight. Nothing else mattered but getting off the plane. If you saw the movie "Final Destination", the first one, when the main character freaks out on the plane. That is how I felt. 

Finally they let us off the plane while we waited. They switched us to a different plane. I was able to walk around, eat something and buy a book to read. I steeled up all my courage and got on the new plane. This one was also small, it was the same plane type. But I was better prepared. I got on the plane at the last moment. No crowds of people around me. The stewardess let me wait in her area until most were seated. I sat at the window for awhile then in the aisle for awhile, that helped a lot. When it was time to disembark, I looked out the window while everyone stood, lined up and clogged up the tiny aisle way. 

I want you to understand that I know this is crazy. I know it is irrational. I know I should be able to say "stop it" to my head. The fear of having another panic attack is real also. It makes it hard to put yourself in situations when you think it might happen again. But I don't want to live that way. So reasonably with a strong mind, I will make myself go into uncomfortable situations. But not ridiculous ones though. Like being trapped on a tiny plane for no real reason and no real eta for how long. 

The really weird thing is my fear of heights is mostly gone. I look over the edge now and not freak out. 

Life has its ups and downs. We all have our struggles. Internally and externally. Why did this happen, I don't know. I may never know. I may see a therapist and they may be able to give me a clue to the workings of my mind. I am always cautious of those that will simply say "here let me give you some anxiety pills", not interested. I wouldn't mind someone to discuss it with and see what we can discover. But in the meantime I will work on my coping skills, I will not let it debilitate me. It is only if rare circumstances where it gets that bad. I have only had 3 attacks in 6 to 8 years. 

Please pray for those who struggle with mental illness. 

Peace of Christ be with you and yours, always. 

"Are there boundaries you put on God's mercy?"

"Are there boundaries you put on God's mercy?"

Such a simple question asked by a simple priest during adoration on Sunday.

 It was one of those profound moments that brought me to tears. I felt like God was asking me directly and personally. With tears I reflected and prayed. What boundaries to I put between me and God, what walls, what places do I not allow His love and mercy.

All this stuff surfaced, all these worries and issues.  I took it all and placed it on the alter.

I took all my worries for my children, each face present in my mind, and gave them to Christ. 

I took all the dark corners of regret for that which I did or didn't do and laid them at Christ's feet. I took all those that hurt me, even the man who took my sisters life and gave them over. 

I prayed for each, as I laid it there. I prayed for better for those who hurt than what they have given this world. I prayed that Christ would touch their hearts, break their hearts of stone. That this world be filled with love, not hate, not sin. Love, forgiveness, grace, peace, this is the world I want to live in. 

I opened myself completely, or as complete as I can, to Christ's love and mercy. I let it flow over me like a waterfall. I will allow myself to be loved completely. I will allow my Lord to wash my feet. That intimacy, that service of love, that which we are so afraid of. We convince ourselves that we don't need anyone else. "We got this." Sometimes for me it is just afraid of really letting someone in, to really depend on someone else requires a letting go of self and pride. 

To truly be connected to someone, whether it be our spouse, whether it be God, is to truly trust them and allow them in. "Are there any boundaries you put on God's mercy?", "Are there any boundaries you put on other's love?" 

Can we truly open up to others? Can we truly open up to God? 

Joy and Suffering

There can be great joy in times of suffering!
There can be great suffering in times of joy!

I grew up in a tough, I guess bad, environment. I had some real trauma, real struggles, real challenges. I also had some great time, some great blessings. I have lots of great memories. Lots of wonderful beautiful people in my life then and now. When I hear music that takes me back, most times it brings really good memories. I focus on those. I remember those.

Just because someone is in suffering, doesn't mean they can't also have joy and many blessings. We have to take the good with the bad. We will never eliminate the bad in this world. We won't, we can't. Until we die and are reunited with God in heaven, we have to deal with the bad. We can relish in it, dwell on it.
Or instead we can see the blessings, we can find joy. We can open ourselves up to the love around us. Great blessings can come from the most darkest of places.

On that same note just because someone has a seemingly perfect life. A life full of every desire. All the riches in the world. Two parents, money, a home, great careers etc.... People around them that love them and accept them. There can still be great suffering. We all know this, we sometimes see this.

We know that life can turn on a dime. Sometimes someone in the depths of great suffering experiences a miracle. Sometimes someone that seemingly has everything can suffer such trauma that their very existence is shaken to its depth.

Life is a gift, life is beautiful, life is ugly, life is complicated. None of us come through it unscathed, unchanged. We our time comes, when the end is near; will we remember the joy, the blessings or will we remember the bad? Will the joy and blessings outweigh the bad?
I believe it will!

We can't assume that someone who has nothing is suffering and has no joy. We can't assume that someone who has everything isn't suffering and has only joy.

We have to be the love and the blessing for each other. I want to be a good memory. I want to promote love. I know I fail sometimes, but I will try again and again, to bring more joy than suffering. To see more good than bad. To love more and more.

To know me is to know my faith

How do I share the faith that is such a part of my life without those around thinking I am trying to sell them something?  We talk about our day, our jobs, our families and seemingly every aspect of our lives. But if I try to talk about my faith, my church life, then the mood changes. 

It is a vital part of who I am, a vital part.

God is alive and well. He has been a part of my life always. 

Imagine for a moment that God is real, that "God is not dead". All I am asking is if you don't believe or just don't know, that you just try to understand where I am coming from. What directs my life.

I try to understand others, I try to put myself in others shoes. The whole "walk a mile in their moccasins" concept. Understand where others are coming from. I try to understand others as best I can. 

If you want to understand where I am, please read on.

So just close your eyes and imagine it is true. That God really does exist and he created the Jewish people and their faith. Established a covenant(promise with them). Then 2000 years or so ago He came down from heaven.

Like Joan Osborn says "What if God was one of us?" Just imagine, just think about how you would feel or react, if you thought Jesus came down from heaven and was God. That he came to join the divine and the mortal. Think about if you actually, truly believed this, that God walked among us.

That he was born of a virgin woman by the power of God. A woman dedicated to God and her son. Yes a virgin in every aspect. That God in all his power made this happen. I know it sounds crazy but imagine you believed it. Actually truly know it happened.

That he was crucified for committing no crimes. An innocent victim, a spotless sacrifice. This might not be so hard to believe. We see the innocent suffering of those in this world. 

 

Would if you really truly believed that Christ rose from the dead and was with his disciples for 40 days before ascending to heaven? That he really did establish the Christian Faith. 

When Christ rose from the dead that was pinnacle for the christian. That was when we knew he conquered death. That we knew with him we could have eternal life. 

In His rising from the dead, we develop a greater understanding of all that came before. The virgin birth, the miracles, the parables, the Old Testament, all take on a new and deeper understanding. 

That is why Easter is the holiest of holy days.

 I know it might be hard but I do believe. If you believed this would it change your life?  Would it impact how you lived?

Imagine someone performing all the miracles spoken of in the bible. 

Just think for a moment........ If I believe this what would it mean, if I believe this, how would I live. Please just try to understand me a little bit.

I strive to live my life focused on God. Loving him and his people. I try to treat everyone with love and respect. Even when we don't agree. Even if I choose to not be a part of something I don't agree is right. I never, or really really try, not to speak ill of others. I have never said someone is going to hell. I believe hell(the eternal separation from God) exists and I don't want to go there. 

But who goes there is between God and each person. 

I ask for respect and understanding as I live and practice my faith in every aspect my life. 

I feel as passionate about my belief system as you do yours.   

Thanks for reading and trying to get to know me a little.

Much love and respect to all.

Meeting God on His terms

Meeting God on my terms not His.

Today my scripture reading was Luke 23:32-43, Crucifixion of Christ. This part of the Gospels always moves me. Always makes me think.

First, here was this man, beautiful, smart, loving man. He did no wrong, But our pride, our sins, caused him to be put on the cross. To die the death of criminals. What is his response? Does he curse those that put him to death? Does he curse God for bringing him to this place of suffering? Does he say "woe is me"?

No, he says "Father forgive them for they know not what they do!" He asks for our forgiveness. For man's forgiveness. That is the ultimate love. 

Then we go to the criminals. Here is where I think about meeting God on my terms not his. There are two criminals crucified with Christ. 

One reviles him. This one says "if you are the Messiah save yourself and us". This is what I do, what we do. If you are God prove it. Show yourself. Make some miracle happen. Prove to me that I should believe. 

The other one says. "Have you no fear of God, for you are subject to the same condemnation? And Indeed, we have been condemned justly, for the sentence we received corresponds to our crimes, but this man has done nothing criminal" Then he said "Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom." (Luke 23:40-42)

This second man meets God on God's terms. He acknowledges God, he acknowledges his sin, he asks for forgiveness. He doesn't do it because he wants something. He does it because he believes. 

I want things to be a certain way in my life. I have my own ideas on how I want to live. I have my own thoughts on what I want for those around me, those I love. I have a tendency to be like the first man. God show yourself. God perform this miracle, please. 

I strive to be more like the second. I have sinned against you Lord, I have not loved this world and those around me as I should. I love you Lord, lead my life, guide my life, so I can emulate your love for the world. Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom. 

Me, God and the world

God and I are good. It is me and the world that I worry about.

God knows what is in my heart. God knows everything. I have laid it all out for Him, even though I didn't need to, I did for me. I have taken my heart, with its scars and all, before Him.

As I have said before, my childhood was rough. Rough to say the least. I don't go into the gory details because there is no point. 

As I have struggled to grow up. Struggled to learn how to be a mother, wife, sister and friend. As I have been tempted, I have always kept my eyes on God. I have always struggled to make the right choices. I have created, with God and Steve, to make a good, safe, steady life. 

Believe me there were times when I struggled with the right choices. When I wondered about my life and what I wanted. Not what my husband, not my kids, but what I wanted. There are still times when I do that. Again, I keep my eyes focused on God. I lay it all out for Him. I ask Him to settle my heart and guide me in his will. These are not just words, this is truly what I do. 

I think about Eve in the garden. How good and juicy that apple looked and felt in her hands. How the words of the serpent playing in her ears. Take a bite, it will be good, you will be happier. That is what the evil one does. He is not this big powerful thing, like in the movies. He has no power except what we give him. He just talks in our ear. Do what you want. God just wants you to be happy. It will feel good. You have to worry about yourself. If they loved you, they would let you be. God is not here, just you and the apple. etc....

I have strived, by God's grace. To not bite the apple. I have made some mistakes. Big ones and small ones. I have always looked to God for guidance, mercy and forgiveness. 

That is why I say God and I are good. But, He wants more from me.

I have created this isolated perfect little world. I needed to for me, for my marriage, for my family. Not so specifically isolated, more insulated I guess. 

But I feel like, in creating this world, I left some behind. I didn't bring anyone from my childhood with me. I left others to be hurt, I left others to twist and turn in the world. I wasn't strong enough or in a good place enough to help. I carry that guilt with me. 

I married Steve, I created a beautiful wonderful blessed life. The struggles I have right now, the worries I carry are good worries, good struggles. What will happen today, tomorrow, next week, next month? I don't know. I know how bad things can be or get. I have been there, done that. I know with God and Steve, I can get through anything.

But how do give back? How do share with world? How do make things right with those I left behind? 

God has given me peace. God has given me the ability to forgive. God has given me good men in my life. God has given me a heart to love, a brain to think, hands to work, and feet to move.

It is good to be in a place where I feel strong enough, where I feel loved, where I feel safe and secure. Then I can struggle with how to give back. 

To anyone reading this; know that I love you, God Loves you. 

The front pew

I sit in the front pew...... not because I am trying to be seen

I sit in the front pew...... because nobody sits there

I sit in the front pew...... because I want to be a part of mass

I sit in the front pew...... because I get distracted easily and want to focus

I sit in the pew..... because the least I can give God is one hour

I sit in the pew..... because I need God's glory in my life

I sit in the pew..... as a sinner in need of God's love

I sit in the pew..... to feel God's mercy

I kneel in the pew..... out of reverence for God

I kneel in the pew..... to pray 

I kneel in the pew..... to worship

I kneel in the pew..... because I love God

I receive..... because Jesus said "Do this in remembrance of me" Lk 22:19

I receive..... because Jesus said "My flesh is true food, My blood is true drink" Jn 6:48-58

I receive.... because Jesus has the words of eternal life Jn 6:67-69

I receive.... because I want an intimate relationship with God

I came thru the desert

I saw the bad

I lived in the bad

I love the good

I cultivate the good

I live in the good