Me, God and the world

God and I are good. It is me and the world that I worry about.

God knows what is in my heart. God knows everything. I have laid it all out for Him, even though I didn't need to, I did for me. I have taken my heart, with its scars and all, before Him.

As I have said before, my childhood was rough. Rough to say the least. I don't go into the gory details because there is no point. 

As I have struggled to grow up. Struggled to learn how to be a mother, wife, sister and friend. As I have been tempted, I have always kept my eyes on God. I have always struggled to make the right choices. I have created, with God and Steve, to make a good, safe, steady life. 

Believe me there were times when I struggled with the right choices. When I wondered about my life and what I wanted. Not what my husband, not my kids, but what I wanted. There are still times when I do that. Again, I keep my eyes focused on God. I lay it all out for Him. I ask Him to settle my heart and guide me in his will. These are not just words, this is truly what I do. 

I think about Eve in the garden. How good and juicy that apple looked and felt in her hands. How the words of the serpent playing in her ears. Take a bite, it will be good, you will be happier. That is what the evil one does. He is not this big powerful thing, like in the movies. He has no power except what we give him. He just talks in our ear. Do what you want. God just wants you to be happy. It will feel good. You have to worry about yourself. If they loved you, they would let you be. God is not here, just you and the apple. etc....

I have strived, by God's grace. To not bite the apple. I have made some mistakes. Big ones and small ones. I have always looked to God for guidance, mercy and forgiveness. 

That is why I say God and I are good. But, He wants more from me.

I have created this isolated perfect little world. I needed to for me, for my marriage, for my family. Not so specifically isolated, more insulated I guess. 

But I feel like, in creating this world, I left some behind. I didn't bring anyone from my childhood with me. I left others to be hurt, I left others to twist and turn in the world. I wasn't strong enough or in a good place enough to help. I carry that guilt with me. 

I married Steve, I created a beautiful wonderful blessed life. The struggles I have right now, the worries I carry are good worries, good struggles. What will happen today, tomorrow, next week, next month? I don't know. I know how bad things can be or get. I have been there, done that. I know with God and Steve, I can get through anything.

But how do give back? How do share with world? How do make things right with those I left behind? 

God has given me peace. God has given me the ability to forgive. God has given me good men in my life. God has given me a heart to love, a brain to think, hands to work, and feet to move.

It is good to be in a place where I feel strong enough, where I feel loved, where I feel safe and secure. Then I can struggle with how to give back. 

To anyone reading this; know that I love you, God Loves you.