Panic attacks are real, terrifying and you will do anything possible to get out of the situation. I unfortunately have learned this the hard way. Sometime after I turned 40 I began to feel uncomfortable in tight quarters, especially when surrounded by crowds of people.
I have fears, some of them irrational. I recognize them as irrational and can act accordingly. For example, I hate spiders and will do everything possible to avoid them or make others deal with them. But if in a situation that is just me and the spider, then I put on my big girl pants and deal with it.
This is different. Like I said it started as just feeling uncomfortable. My first panic attack was camping with Steve. I felt uncomfortable getting into the tent but thought "ok, once we lay down and settle in I'll be fine". It didn't work out that way. Steve fell asleep as I laid there trying will all my might to relax. I don't remember if I drifted off or what. But I remember feeling like I couldn't breathe and I needed fresh air. I couldn't get out the tent fast enough. I was hyper ventilating and couldn't get back into to the tent. This was a small tent. We chose it because it was small and would be warmer.
This was mild compared to my most recent one. Steve and I flew to New Orleans for vacation. I flew there by myself to meet him. I was a little nervous about the plane ride there because of the small spaces and people thing. But it worked out fine. The plane was small but not ridiculous and I managed fine.
The plane ride back was a different story. It was significantly smaller than the first. Ridiculously small!!! We get on and get settled in our seats. I was really having a hard time. I turned on my music and did my breathing exercises. I was doing ok. I kept telling myself it is only a 2hr flight. I kept saying once we get in the air I can start counting down the time. Well that didn't happen, we weren't taking off!!!! The pilot comes on and explains that there is problem with the door seal. That we are waiting for a mechanic to come and take a look. No ETA given. Now, now I am beginning to freak out. I have no time frame. My mind starts going. I am in tears. Poor Steve looks lost and unsure as to what to do. There was nothing he could do. I started asking him to ask the flight attendant if I could get off the plane. The doors broken anyway. I was keeping it together as best I could. Believe me it was hard. I looked at the emergency door. I remembered the news story about some crazy person on an airplane trying to open the emergency hatch. I could understand why now!! It took all I could to keep it together. There is no way to put into words how I felt at that moment. There is no way to explain my mind.
I have always considered myself to be a strong rational woman. I know this fear is irrational. I knew but it didn't seem to matter at the moment. I felt completely utterly totally trapped, I couldn't think straight. Nothing else mattered but getting off the plane. If you saw the movie "Final Destination", the first one, when the main character freaks out on the plane. That is how I felt.
Finally they let us off the plane while we waited. They switched us to a different plane. I was able to walk around, eat something and buy a book to read. I steeled up all my courage and got on the new plane. This one was also small, it was the same plane type. But I was better prepared. I got on the plane at the last moment. No crowds of people around me. The stewardess let me wait in her area until most were seated. I sat at the window for awhile then in the aisle for awhile, that helped a lot. When it was time to disembark, I looked out the window while everyone stood, lined up and clogged up the tiny aisle way.
I want you to understand that I know this is crazy. I know it is irrational. I know I should be able to say "stop it" to my head. The fear of having another panic attack is real also. It makes it hard to put yourself in situations when you think it might happen again. But I don't want to live that way. So reasonably with a strong mind, I will make myself go into uncomfortable situations. But not ridiculous ones though. Like being trapped on a tiny plane for no real reason and no real eta for how long.
The really weird thing is my fear of heights is mostly gone. I look over the edge now and not freak out.
Life has its ups and downs. We all have our struggles. Internally and externally. Why did this happen, I don't know. I may never know. I may see a therapist and they may be able to give me a clue to the workings of my mind. I am always cautious of those that will simply say "here let me give you some anxiety pills", not interested. I wouldn't mind someone to discuss it with and see what we can discover. But in the meantime I will work on my coping skills, I will not let it debilitate me. It is only if rare circumstances where it gets that bad. I have only had 3 attacks in 6 to 8 years.
Please pray for those who struggle with mental illness.
Peace of Christ be with you and yours, always.
