This blog is in two parts. Today was an important day for two reasons. As you all know it was Father's Day and  22 yrs ago on fathers day my sister body was found. 
Both events are significant somewhat obviously.

Let me start with Father's Day. First of all, I grew up without a Father. So what is a Father? This was something I had to learn as an adult. I knew the images of what a father should be and I had dreams of having a real father. 
My father and mother divorced when I was a baby. I never knew my dad, I met him once when I was 13 or 14. He died shortly after that. 
As an adult, I have been extremely lucky to have some great men in my life. Starting with Steve. Watching him with our kids is truly inspiring. He is such a great dad.  I don't think my kids realize how lucky they are. There was always a sense of melancholy watching him because I never had that. On the other hand, as I developed a personal relationship with Jesus, I found another more perfect Father. At that point, I truly felt the love of a Father. I know that sounds cliche, for me it is real.
As I grew in my faith I also began to realize there are lots of good men. Good fathers and good men who teach us, guide us, protect us and love us. Some are fathers in the biological or family sense. Some are men who love those around them, like Priests, Ministers, Doctors, Teachers etc....  
St Joseph and his story came to mind as one of these men. He loved God and he loved Mary. He was willing to give up his life and do what was needed for this young pregnant woman. Joseph quietly protected them, raised Jesus with true love and devotion. 
St Joseph has become my patron saint. I often ask him to pray for the needs of me and my family. Through the intercession of St Joseph, I have forgiven my father. I know that he struggled with his own demons. If given the choice I know he would also have wanted to be a real family. He didn't know how. I pray that he has found peace and rest in the arms of Christ. 

On to a sadder note, today I remember that fateful day 22yrs ago. 
Steve and I standing in his dad's driveway loading the car to leave after celebrating Father's Day. I was so worried about Rosie, who had been missing since Tues. Steve said "when she turns up you are going to be so mad at her for worrying you like this."  I had so hoped he was right.

Later that night, we were sitting on the couch watching the news. A story came on about a young woman, a teenager, found dead in an apartment on Toledo and Junction. Just after the story finished the phone rang. It was someone who knew my sister was missing, asking if I had seen the story. I said yes, but it was a teenager. The phone rang again right after that call. This time the world stopped. It was my brother, Jimmy, asking if I had seen the news. I told him it was a teenager, couldn't be Rosie. Jimmy said "the apartment they showed was Juan's house". I felt a hole open and I fell in. Him and my mom were going the police station because they couldn't get any answers on the phone. So we waited. I begged, I pleaded and I bargained as I waited.  I don't remember what time the call came, I don't even remember who it was. I just remember crumbling on the couch in tears. "Are you sure?" "They said it was a teenager" "Are you sure?" 

Danny was turning 4 in a few days and Mandy was 2. Steve sent them somewhere, not sure where. We went to my mom's house. I remember just sitting on the couch and crying. Every time the phone would ring, every time someone would stop by, every time my mom would say "It was Rosie" "Rosie's dead" tears, tears and more tears. Ruthie stormed in and was hysterical. "No Becky, tell me he didn't do this to her, not Rosie, not Rosie!!!!" More tears. 

There was activity, funeral plans, obituaries and notifications happening. I did none of it. I just cried as things were happening. I was no help for anyone, not even my kids. To this day I don't know who made everything happen, I guess my mom and Jimmy. 

It is weird how I remember somethings so vividly and others nothing. I remember, a day or days later, sitting in the car outside of a drug store on the way to the funeral. I had a dress on. Steve ran in to get something for me, I don't know what. But I was looking around at the people on the street, just going about their daily life. I wanted to get out of the car and yell at them all. "DON'T YOU KNOW, DON'T YOU REALIZE, ROSIE IS GONE. HOW CAN YOU JUST GO ON LIKE NOTHING111111"

It is still so painful to remember. It still hurts as much. Time doesn't heal, but it does make you sane again to live. I still miss her very much. Rest in Pease Rose Marie Woolwine!!

If you watch the news, you would think the biggest issues we face are; whether or not to raise the debt ceiling, republicans vs democrats, Weiner or Arnold stuff etc....

On the other hand, as I talk to friends and neighbors, those things, while some are important, aren't the real issues. These are minor in comparison. 

Some of us are facing tough issues and challenges.  When you are talking to someone you know or meet someone new, be open to where or who they are. Don't assume you know what they have been through or are going through. 
I know we hear it all the time. 

I try to step back from my own issues and listen to what others are going through. People I am currently praying for are dealing with some big issues. Substance abuse, death and dying, suicide, childhood trauma, mental illness, justice and forgiveness. And this is just skimming the surface. I pray daily, right now, for someone specific dealing with each of these issues and more.

I know it comes easier for some. Others of us have to try. We are very egocentric, naturally self centered. We can get so caught up in our own, we forget others are struggling too

Maybe it is easier to dive into politics and tv sensationalism then to deal with real people and real problems. I know how hard it is to know what to say and what to do. For me, I simply try, although imperfectly, to just be there and listen. I offer my ear for listening, my shoulder for crying and my heart in prayer. When it gets right down to it, that is all I have. 

I have had numerous people come up to me and say "I saw you on tv..."  After this it can be awkward, neither one of us know what to say.  But that is ok, I appreciate the good thoughts and sentiments, no matter how awkward.

True friendship and growth can happen when you are truly open.

Do you pray? I do
Do I pray when it is stormy but forget to pray when it is sunny?
Unfortunately yes.
I work everyday on improving my prayer life, just like I work everyday on my health and fitness. 

The past few weeks were hard internally; emotionally. It was one of the few times I asked for prayers for myself and my family. I know it was hard for many of us. I felt the prayers, I felt the power.

Some dear friends sent me a prayer blanket and a beautiful handmade rosary. The prayer blanket ministry prays for those who receive the blankets. I am so grateful, the more prayers the better. A world full of prayer warriors would be an awesome thing!

Not much in this world can we control. No matter how hard we try. Sometimes all we have is our prayers. 

I believe our prayers are answered. Sometimes the answer is no, sometimes yes and sometimes not now. 

Who are we praying to and do they hear us? Yes!

I believe in God. I believe He came to earth as Jesus Christ, to bridge the gap between the divine and human. He came to offer me(and you) salvation. For me(and you) He suffered, died, was buried and rose from the dead. I believe in the Holy Spirit. God presence here on earth today.

As I pray, I offer all of me, very simply and humbly. I acknowledge the Holy Trinity (Father, Son and Holy Spirit). I acknowledge my failures. I have not done or been all that Christ wants. I humbly apologize. I am thankful for all the blessings I have. And all that I have been given. Finally I offer all of my troubles, worries and needs. I offer prayers for those around me. God knows our needs, wants and desires, I offer all of these to Him.

I will continue to pray. I ask all of those reading this to pray. No matter where you are in your faith journey. No matter where you are in your life. None of that matters. Like they say "come as you are". God's love is truly unconditional. If you are just quiet not even knowing what to say or do, just being. That is a start. Where to go from there is easy and you will know. 

All of you are in my prayers, I humbly ask that you include me in yours.

God Bless!

First of all, let me say that if this blog seems a little dark that wasn't my intention. I write from where I am at a particular time. What I see, feel and think.

Right now i think, life is tough. We all get battered and bruised. Not one of us gets through unscathed. Some seemingly deal with major trauma, cuts that run deep. Scars that take time to heal. The mother that loses a child, the child that loses a parent. Some people are traumatized beyond comprehension. 
At times, it all seems pointless and random. I don't mean that in a dire way, more a factual way. If you are going to be affected by trauma, there isn't much you can do. Very fatalistic or a fatalism philosophy, I guess.

But I am not fatalist. I do believe in free will. I believe we make choices in this life that affect not only our course but the course of others. I don't know and may never know how these two work. 

A great priest once said "you can't control how you feel but you can control how you act".  You can't always control what this life is going to throw your way, but you can control how you handle it. How you let it effect you. 

What do you choose to see? A somber funeral for a young man so lost as to take his own life, yes absolutely and how sad.  But I also see a tremendous outpouring of love and support for his family. People standing in line for hours to let his mother know she is not alone. 

As my family was profiled on national television, I felt very exposed and still do. It is tough for me to let people in, but the outpouring of love, support and prayers has been incredible. 

Everything we go through in this life makes us who we are. Every scar, every cut, every bruise and every joy, every blessing, every sparkling moment, join together to make us who we are. We are all unique in what we go through, what we deal with. But we are all the same in wanting to be loved and supported.

Livin la Vida Loca
It has been months since I wrote. I think about it all the time. But with Steve and I both starting new jobs in the midst of a DIY giant kitchen remodel, there truly was no time. But here I am again, I will try again to share my thoughts and I would ask that you share yours.

As I write this please remember this is my perspective of things and I can only speak to that. If someone else writes, they may have a different perspective.

As most of you know and many of you watched(Thanks again for the prayers and good thoughts) Dateline aired a show on Fri May 20th about the 22yr old murder of my sister, Rosie. It was and is amazing to me the twists and turns of life.

I can't believe it has been 22 yrs. When Rosie died its shock was tremendous to my family. At the time I didn't really see it. It is hard to see the true nature of trauma from on the inside. 

Growing up in the city of Detroit we were very poor. My childhood was rough, very rough. I don't feel the need to spell out the details just to say it was very rough. There were many Graces as well. God's graces can come through the darkest of places. 

Before you look at my mother with a critical eye, be careful. That big family you saw on Dateline would not take to kindly to that!! My mother is the most amazing person I know. I could only hope to be as strong, courageous and faith filled as her. As bad as my childhood was, hers was too. This life has thrown a lot of shit her way(excuse my bluntness). She cleans it off, stands proud and moves forward. Maybe she will write her story one day. She taught me to have faith, to follow Christ, to know there is good in this world and it starts with love. 

As I was growing up, I always knew that I would leave the city and create a different life for myself. Steve and I were trying to figure out our life 22yrs ago. Steve was working in Ann Arbor and we were on the waiting list to move to a townhouse out there. When Rosie died that summer I had 2 children, Danny was turning 4 and Mandy was  2. She died in June(right before Danny's birthday) her funeral was the last weekend for our childhood church. It was being closed. Then 4th of July weekend we had a house fire. We lost a lot of our belongings then. We boxed up what we could salvage and moved in with Steve's parents while the flat we rented was fixed. During this crazy time, we received the call that a townhouse had become available, but we needed to make a decision ASAP. The waiting list was long and others were waiting too. How could we say no, we were already boxed up and in a state of flux.

We moved to Ann Arbor and I began attending community college. I remember walking around campus wondering "how the hell did I get here". As life took over, justice for Rosie or dealing with her death wasn't something I was prepared to deal with. I never forgot, never stopped missing her. 

I just focused on creating a life for myself and my family in Ann Arbor. It was a culture shock. I felt like an outsider, we were so young with kids. We stood out. I have made a life here and have great friends, wonderful people who mean the world to me. 

I sometimes wish though that Rosie's justice had been a priority. No regrets though, life is. My childhood made me the person I am today, and I am okay with who I am. As my family finally begins to deal with the traumas of life please continue to pray for us.

Justice, Peace and Love.

(more to come next week)

Violent rhetoric

 First of all, my thoughts and prayers to those that have lost lives or suffered because of the tragic shooting in Tucson. 

How much, if any, responsibility does the violent hateful rhetoric that surround politics have in the Tucson shooting? I am specifically talking about Sarah Palin and her putting a target over the district of Congresswoman Gifford. 

I absolutely believe from a legal standpoint the gunmen is liable. But lets talk about from a culture perspective. Everything we say and do on the this planet affects those around us. In my opinion, we are our brothers keeper. As a Christian we are called to love, care and pray for those around us especially our enemies. But are we enemies if we disagree. 

If someone put a gun target on my Facebook page then I was shot the next month, that action would definitely be up for discussion. 

For Mrs. Palin or anyone else to say "Acts of monstrous criminality stand on their own. They begin and end with the criminals who commit them, not collectively with all the citizens of a state, not with those who listen to talk radio, not with maps of swing districts used by both sides of the aisle, not with law-abiding citizens who respectfully exercise their First Amendment rights at campaign rallies, not with those who proudly voted in the last election." I find this statement interesting since she does appear to hold this belief in reference to the 9/11 attacks. We can all be hypocritical at times, especially to rationalize or justify our actions. 

This brings an interesting point. How much is Middle Eastern rhetoric that taut anti american hatred responsible for terrorist attacks on our country? I know this is an extreme example but I think it is a valid one. If we perpetuate and promote this kind of violent rhetoric, if we create a whole news channel devoted to riling up the anger in people, then we have to expect some consequences of this action. President Obama receives more death threats than any previous Presidents, even George W. I do believe this is a direct result of the perpetuation of violent rhetoric. If we continue this course with the mass media then those on the edge can be pushed to actions of violence. 

We can't stifle free speech, but we can make it a personal action to turn off, not listen to, not promote such violence. Let news channels know by contacting them or turning them off that you will not perpetuate this. If Fox News wants to be a voice for the conservative right wing that is fine, that is not what I am talking about here.

I firmly believe that those that disagree with me are not my enemies. Even those who don't share my pro life beliefs. That is a very emotionally heated issue. I don't think those who disagree are my enemies nor do I hate them. I pray for them. I don't think Republicans are my enemies, as much as I may disagree with a lot of their platforms and get very frustrated, I don't hate republicans. 

Wherever you stand on this issue. Remember that even if we disagree, are in different political parties or go to different churches or don't even go to church, we are all neighbors. We can all grow, learn and share much love between us. 

New Year Resolutions

Today was the Feast of the Epiphany of our Lord. We heard of the wisemen bringing gifts and paying homage to the baby Jesus. Not only did the wisemen bring gifts but they brought themselves. The sacrifice of the journey and the humble recognition of Christ as a King for all people. 

I was thinking about what Christ wants from me. He wants nothing more and nothing less than me. I am called to pick up my cross and follow him. Sounds like a challenge but He will take our cross on himself like he already did on Calvary. He wants us to stand, kneel, or crawl before Him. He will accept us no matter how we look or what kind of baggage we have. He calls us to do the right thing, no matter how challenging it might be.

We all make new resolutions and or have thoughts of things we want to improve about ourselves. We see the new year as a beginning, as a "do over". We put hope in the world and in ourselves. We say we will work on being healthier, losing weight, stop smoking, be nicer, be more spiritual etc.... Statistically 2weeks is how long a new year's resolution lasts. But I know we can do better. I know we can change and improve no matter what our age or difficulty.

As we make new years resolutions to improve who we are, to stop smoking, lose weight or just try to be a better human in this crazy world. We should offer it up as a sacrifice. Draw on the strength of Christ, He wants what is best for us. We can bring him Gold (the precious gift of our life), Frankincense(our spirituality) and Myrrh(the belief in life after death). 

I hope to continue this blog into the new year, but as I start a new job and a kitchen remodeling not sure how much time. My goal is at least once a week if not more. I know there are lots of interesting things to write about and hear your take on. I want to share my thoughts and hear yours as well.

Happy 2011 and God Bless you and your loved ones!!!!