Can you see your own beauty?

This may probably be one of my most personal blogs yet. 

Please, I implore you to hold off the compliments, I am not writing this for that. You will understand when you read it. It is a normal reaction to want to say “no, that is not true, you are beautiful”. Before you do that read the whole thing and recognize the honesty on what is written. 

I don’t think I am ugly, not by any stretch of the imagination. I think I am normal looking just like most of you. There are those women who are very beautiful and recognize it. There are those women who are very beautiful and don’t or still struggle with self esteem issues. I strive to be a normal looking woman who doesn’t beat herself up or get to down on herself. I have made great strides. I can take a compliment and say thank you for the most part. I can be ok and confident in how I look for the most part. 

I went to lunch once with a friend, she is not a close friend but she is a friend. She is, to me, a very attractive woman. At the end of lunch she wanted to take a selfie of us for a project. We both groaned but got together and took a few photos. She handed me her phone and said “you pick, I can’t stand to look at pictures of me”. I too don’t like looking at pics of me but I picked the best I could. To be honest I mostly looked for the best one of her and made sure I didn’t have a my tongue out or anything ridiculous. I know honestly I am not the most photogenic person. That is just me being honest. 

When I look at myself in the mirror, I generally say “ok, not to bad”. But for some reason when I see pics of myself or even worse videos I get really disheartened. There are times when I want to crawl in bed and never leave. Or quit my job, become a gym rat and join every weight loss program possible. I have to pull myself out of that and recognize how crazy I am being. 

I tell myself “what would you say to your friend if they said that”. I literally look at myself in the mirror and say them. 

Why are we so hard on ourselves? I think women do this more but I don’t think we are the only ones. I think lots of men do as well. Why are constantly comparing ourselves to those who we perceive have it all together? Why do we think others are judging us? And if they are, why do we care so much?

We really can be quite mean to ourselves and to others, all based on looks. I don’t know the answer on how to change this. I know that pretty people, or should I say “people that have good symmetry and come across well in pictures” are pleasing to look at and it makes sense that they are used in commercial ad and such. But why should that make us feel bad about ourselves? Why is there so much ridiculous photo shopping to create the perfect image of a person? 

We say all the right words “everyone is beautiful, beauty comes from the inside out, beauty comes in all forms and sizes”. We all believe that to be true and we want media to promote that. But I am talking from a personal level, how do we believe it about ourselves. 

I know I can stand to lose weight, I know when I am being lazy about my appearance. I want to work on losing some weight and take better care of myself without beating myself up. 

Is this a struggle for you? What are your struggles? Can you be honest with yourself? Can you see your own beauty?

WOKE

“WOKE”

Are you? Am I? 

People use this word to mean enlightened to the plight of......”black people”, “women”, “gay people” etc....

Well America you are not “woke” as long as you allow, encourage, and even joke about the systematic elimination of a whole class or type of people. As long as you glorify and taut as acceptable and even applaud a country who practices genocide to get rid of people with Down syndrome. 

Instead of universal health care

Instead of accessible, affordable, reasonable adoption services

Instead of encouraging businesses to support working parents, especially single parents

Instead of encouraging universities to support students who are parents, esp single parents

Instead of seeing poor children with love and compassion, you see them as a burden

Instead of seeing a person with Down syndrome or any other disability, you see a burden

You look at them sideways and ask the horrific question 

“didn’t you know before you gave birth?’ 

America, supposedly the greatest country, you have nothing to offer women but abortion. You taut as some great choice, a progressive approach to the burden of being a mom. To the burden of children. Instead of honoring and glorifying that which gives life you have convinced many that children are burdens, especially if they are poor or have some disability that you determine isn’t worthy of life. You rip children from the womb and kill. You convince women its no big deal. 

But it is!!

This is not about politics or this party or that. We are all a culprit to where we are now. We are all culpable in the way we treat our children, our poor, our women, our single parents, and our persons with disabilities.

America has never been great to these people and so can’t possibly be great again. 

Imagine if we create a test to determine if a child will be gay and parents started aborted those children would you be ok with that? Imagine we decided that men were the root of evil and began aborting male babies, would you be ok with that? I know you are going to say I am being extreme, but am I really? Where is the line? Where is your line? Where is my line? Who determines that line? The current political party in charge, the previous political party, or any political party? Parents? The parents weren’t allowed to chose in the Alfie case or the Charlie Gard case. The government stepped in, is that what we want? Not me!

Women, persons with disabilities, minorities, single parents, babies and poor children deserve better and demand better. We are better than this. We can be better but its starts now. 

"Sitting On My Hands"

I haven’t written in a while but I have been thinking about it a lot. So here goes another restart.

It has been to long, 2 yrs!! Wow!!!

I may not advertise this one, I mostly write for myself anyway. If you are reading this Thanks!!

I have been thinking about where I am in my life right now. I am well into a mid life crisis, well maybe not crisis, but definitely a mid life something. The thought or words that keep popping into my head are “I am not sitting on my hands anymore” As with all analogies this one will be weak but let me try and explain anyways.

As most people know I had a rough childhood. It was crazy, it was dysfunctional to say the least. So I decided that I wanted a straight square life of my own. I married an amazing man that was perfect for that. Not that he is a square(using the old slang for someone boring), he is far from boring but he does like a nice square life. And that is beautiful, he has always known what he wanted and how to make it happen for that most part. 

I, on the other hand, had no idea what a square life looked like. I decided to do everything I could do give my kids a square, secure life. So I sat on my hands, I surrounded myself with wonderful people who also lived on the straight and narrow. It was the whole ‘fake it till you make it kind’ of thing. Steve and I decided that I would be a stay at home mom for the kids. I wasn’t a very good stay at home mom. My kids ate too much junk food, watched too much tv and played too many video games. They didn’t do arts & crafts or go on field trips with me. 

But, I was there with love and all I could offer. Steve and I chose not to be partying drinking parents. Again the straight and narrow life. I have no complaints about that. It was what we wanted and what I needed. 

Now about 30 yrs later I am done sitting on my hands. I am a mix of that child who grew up in the ghetto of Detroit and that square straight stay at home mom. I love who I am and I love letting my hair down to enjoy all this world has to offer. 

Again, as most of you know, I am a religious person and I will not go totally crazy and let this world take that away from me. As I venture out to enjoy; my eyes and my heart are fixed on Christ and my prayer is always let me enjoy this time but save me from myself and the dangers of the world full of lust, greed, gluttony etc.... 

I drink, I dance, I go out late(past midnight even :0). One of my favorite things is to be on dance floor with a little buzz and bass pounding music and just completely lose myself. So if you see me please come and enjoy the dance. I will do things and dress in things and say things that many may say “can you believe that, its crazy, she must have forgot that she is over 50 now”. 

I will not live by other people’s rules. I will live by my rules, I will not do anything that God or my husband will not want, out of respect and love. I will not embarrass my kids now or ever,

 well maybe a little embarrassment will remind them that I am more that just their mother, lol!

Right now I want to enjoy every moment, every aspect of where my life is. Whether that is hanging out with my grandsons or my kids, going to church or with Steve to Florida or with Lisa on a road trip or with Maria at a concert. Exploring the world, enjoying every moment to the fullest. 

Wherever the road leads!!!

Come along for the ride if you want an adventure.

Much love and blessings to all!!!

I am Catholic and yes I am saved

I am Catholic and yes I am saved. 

By the passion and death of Christ, by His rising from the dead, I am saved.

By my proclamation that Christ is my Lord and Savior, I am saved

By my baptism, I am saved

By my receiving of the Eucharist, when I profess "this is the body, blood, soul and divinity" of my Lord Jesus Christ, I am saved

When I make the sign of the cross, I renew my baptismal promise, to renounce satan and all the I do, all that I am, I do in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirt, I am saved.

When I go to mass, I profess my belief and commitment to Christ as my Lord and Savior, I am saved. 

When I say the "our Father" and recommit my life to Christ, I am saved. 

When I live my Christian faith, not to earn but to draw closer to my Savior, I am saved. 

Christ says in James, "I will separate the goats from the sheep" He will know I am Christian because I fed him when he was hungry, I clothed him when he was naked, I visited him when he was sick or imprisoned. 

I am Catholic and I am saved, not by my own doing or by anything I deserve.

I am saved because Christ died on the cross for my sins.

I am Catholic and my faith keeps me focused on my Savior.

I am Catholic and I strive to live as a sheep of Christ, my faith helps me to focus on loving Christ in his people around me. 

I am Catholic and I love.

I am Catholic and I know

I am Catholic and I believe

I am Catholic and I am saved. 

Smile through tears

"Smile though your heart is aching, smile even though it's breaking" Nat King Cole 

This song has been running through my head since I learned that my son, daughter in law and grandson are moving back to Seattle WA. 

I have tried to allow my kids to live their lives. I have tried not to guilt or prod them to live a life I think they should. Have I succeeded? I don't know, you would have to ask them.

I know the move to Seattle is not being done to hurt me(or Steve). I know they have to live their lives and choose what is best for them. Whether I agree or disagree. 

I just always thought I would be an integral part of my grand children's lives. I always thought I would be connected and have special bond that includes spending lots of quality time. I know Steve feels the same way I do. But time and distance will change that. A 3 hour time difference and 1900 miles will make the relationship I have with my grandson different. I am not writing this to make then feel bad, I am just stating the facts. I am not trying to guilt them, just sharing my feelings. I have struggled with writing this and posting this. I sometimes have this desire to write things out and can't find peace until I write and post. So if this causes hurt feelings, I am sorry. 

Some have suggested that I move to the Pacific Northwest. I would never say never, but right now that will not happen. My mom and Steve's mom are here. My mom will be 75 this year. I cherish her and want to be a part of her life for as long as possible. Now I feel like I have to choose between my mom and my grandson. 

I trust in God, I trust in Steve. Both of taken care of me and have never let me down. I have to believe that the next 30 years will be as awesome and the last 30 years. What is in store for me will be what is right. I have to place my trust in that.

My kids have made me proud. They are great people and they live their lives. They work hard and love the world and its people. My only wish for them is that they have or develop a strong relationship with God. I need to trust in them as well. Trust them to live their lives for what is right for them and their families. I just hope I am a part of their plan. 

I pray and will always pray for my families happiness. That they find their purpose in life and have peace. I will support and love my family. I will smile through the tears, I will pray for peace, happiness and love.

Socks and underwear

I have to buy socks and underwear;

 because God told me to.

I know crazy right. Believe me I hear it my own head too. 

About 6 weeks ago I decided to make up little care packages for anyone I see begging. (I don't say homeless because I don't know nor assume that they don't have a home.) Anyway, I don't carry cash so I decided to make little brown bag care packages. It was rather spur of the moment. I put it what I thought someone might need; a protein bar, pair of gloves, hand and feet warmers, a deck of cards, and a Saint or prayer card. As I was putting them together I kept getting the sense that they weren't quite ready. But I didn't know what I was missing.  

I put the little care packs together, put them in a canvas grocery sack and set them in my back seat. I made sure they were reachable while I was driving. Weird thing though, since I made them about 3weeks ago, I haven't come across one person to give them to, not one. I was still getting the sense that they weren't ready. 

Today I was driving around doing errands thinking about the care packages, doing God's will, and the corporal works of mercy. I was beginning to doubt. All the little voices in the my head were getting louder. "They are all criminals", "They don't need your little bags", "You are missing the point once again in doing God's will", blah blah blah..... I was getting discouraged and doubting again. I said to God, please just let me know if I am on the right track or need to go a different way. Please!!!

Literally 10 minutes later, I am making a left into a strip mall. I see a young man on the corner with a sign. Where he is I may end up depending on traffic. I run my errand and leave the area. I go to make another left if I can, this would put me right next to him. If I can't make a left, I would have to go around and pass right by him. As I pull up to make the left, there is no traffic in my way, not one car. I smoothly turn. I stop at the red light and there he is with a sign asking for help. I open my window, hand him the care package, say "God Bless you brother". He takes it says thanks and walks away. I roll up my window and look at the light. He walks back a moment later and waves. I roll down my window and he thanks me again. He is very appreciative. 

He says gloves are always needed but so are socks and underwear. If you get the chance to share those, many of us out here need them. I said "socks and underwear, got it!" I said this as much to him as to God. The light turns green and I go on about my life. 

Now I have to gather socks and underwear! If you see any on sale please let me know.

God Bless you and your family. Be warm, safe and giving this new year. 

What is a feminist? Am I a feminist? Are you? Do you care?

Am I a feminist? I always thought so, I have always considered myself a feminist. But recently I am not so sure. 

I guess it depends on your definition of a feminist. 

I don't really like labels. It is to much of a box. Are you liberal, conservative, republican, democrat, blah blah. I don't agree with anybody 100%. 

I am christian, very devout strong christian. Do I agree 100% with every other christian? Not at all. 

I am a woman, 100% through and through female. Do I agree with every other woman out there? Not at all. And that's okay.

So am I a feminist? Does the label or name even matter? Not really, but it just got me to thinking about that fact that I consider myself a feminist but many others wouldn't, I find that interesting. 

I believe in the genius of woman. The glory and splendor of woman. We are amazing, strong, beautiful creatures. We are more than our genitalia and hormones. We can do anything. We can be anything. We are strong and fierce. We are different than men. Not weaker, not less, just different. Our muscle structure, our hormones and our genitalia are all signs of that. 

But that doesn't make us less deserving of adequate pay, the right to vote, the importance of our being, and that we can't do anything we set our minds to...

All woman are glorious, from the so called "butch" to the so called "girly girly" ones. We all make up "woman". I respect those that don't wear skirts ever to those that only wear skirts. Those who stay home and raise their families to those who are devoted to a career or vocation. To those who have chosen the religious life to those who have chosen to be CEOs. From the consecrated virgin to the mother of 13. All women are to be loved and respected. 

Our bodies are not broken or burdensome. Our natural rhythm and cycles are part of us, not something to pump full of hormones and try to suppress. Pregnancy isn't a burden or a disease. It is a beautiful life giving gift. It should be honored and respected. Pregnant women, especially those in crisis, but not just those in crisis, should be offered respect, healthcare, efficient adoption resources, affordable day care, and other options, not abortion. Abortion is a violent intrusive act that hurts women.

We are not just objects for sexual desire. Sex is a natural beautiful act. Our enjoyment of it is a gift. Not something to be traded and used up. It is something to be cherished and honored. 

I, like some, want to feel sexy and pretty. But my self worth shouldn't be tied up in how desirable I can be to men. My self worth is worth more than that. 

I love dance music. l love to dance and get lost in the beat. But some of the songs out there are horrendous to women. We justify, I have justified, and said it's just a song, it's no big deal. That reasoning is lacking in the love and dignity I feel all women deserve. 

We, women, sometimes can be so hard on each other. The pretty one gets shunned, because we think she has it made. I work with a very pretty young lady. She gets hit on all the time. She is friendly and chatty but so many take that as a signal. How hard it must be to deal with that on a daily basis? Or what about the chubby one that gets shamed for her weight. Others judge everything she does, what she eats, how much she sits or walks or whatever. How hard it must be to live with that scrutiny? The skinny one; who has to deal with the questions; "Do you ever eat? Are you anorexic?" Maybe she is just skinny.  

The woman with the down syndrome child has to deal with the whispered, sickening question, "Did you know before she was born?". What a horrible thing to ask a mother about her child. "Why didn't you kill her?" This is what they are really asking. What about that beautiful little girl, looked at like something that shouldn't be here. 

We judge each other based on what we wear. We put out lists of things you shouldn't do at age "whatever". We judge working mothers, stay at home mothers. We judge those that have chosen to be open to life and have lots of children. We judge those who can't or don't have children. The list can go on and on. 

Instead we should be building each other up, supporting one another. And I know many out there do just that. We need to be better at it. We need to practice it every day. To teach our little girls to love and respect themselves and others.

To honor the dignity, genius and beauty that is woman.

I am not sure if this makes me a feminist or not. But I do know that the label doesn't matter.

 

To quote Helen Reddy

"oh yes, I am wise

But it is a wisdom born of pain

yes, I've paid the price

But look how much I've gained

If I have to, I can face anything

I am strong

I am invincible

I am woman"